The Thoughts Of A Selfish Lady On Her Journey To Health

Angels, ribbons and crayons...

2011-12-06T09:23:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's Christmas time already. Justin had me dragging out all the decorations before Thanksgiving. He loves Christmas. I can't blame him. As a child it was one of my absolute favorite holidays as well. I loved the lights, the decorations and one of my absolute favorites was making sugar cookies and having my cousins over to decorate them. We made a huge mess on the kitchen table with colored frosting and sprinkles every where. It was a blast.

I took out the ornaments and put all the very special glass ornaments at the top of the tree before Justin had a chance to get a hold of them. Some of these ornaments go back to 1956 and my parents first christmas together. I feel lucky to have them. I don't want anything to happen to them. Other ornaments are just as special as they go back to when Kelley, Katie, Logan and yes, even Justin were little. Justin was fascinated with the odd pieces of construction paper with no more than a piece of ribbon an odd face drawn on it, or a few beads on a pipe cleaner with a name scribbled. I explained to him that these were very old and done by his brother or sisters and were so important to me and I had kept them. I keep everything. He quickly ran in the other room, drew an angel on a piece of paper, cut a circle around it, wrote his name on it and then found a ribbon to attach it to the tree. He wanted to make sure he made his contribution this year.

When I found myself alone I sat at the foot of the tree and began the process of putting up the rest of the ornaments and taking note of each and every one. I honestly sobbed for hours I think because the little boy Logan who scribbled the angel on the faded construction paper, is now a young man. The Katie who's face fills popsicle stick ornaments, or home-made felt wreaths is beautiful young woman. The little girl who's paper plate angel still finds a place at the highest part of my tree is an adult and has in many ways moved on in her heart. She is no longer that little girl that has all the angels peppering my tree.

These thoughts I had sitting there as a sea of paper, pipe cleaner and glitter ornaments surrounded me made me sad but also made me grateful for all my children. I am grateful for each of their smiles as they pulled out their treasures and raised them high in the air with pride for me to see before hanging them on the tree so many years ago. I am grateful for thumbprint tree ornaments, and tiny felt stockings with letters missing from their names that are still hung from teachers. They still mean something to them because I cared enough to keep them and I care enough to still hang them.

I am grateful for all the moments we have shared under our Christmas tree. Sometimes we have lost track of each other for the shredded paper everywhere, and sometimes we have been drowned out by the sounds of bubble wrap being stomped on in the corner of the room. We have the most amazing times, the silliest times and the simplest of times because we are together. THAT is what for us makes Christmas the greatest. I will take all those little special things my children have given me throughout the years and all the memories I have and I will consider it a perfect holiday.

I am sure I will post again...but for the moment, this is what was on my mind.

Before Thanksgiving is over...

2011-11-25T00:00:00.000-06:00

I have 6 minutes in the day left...and I couldn't let it go without giving thanks for all I have.

I am thankful for my many blessings. My Heavenly Father has blessed me abundantly with a beautiful family, a home, a free country to live in, safety and many friends who support me and share my joys and my pains.

I am grateful for each of my children and their very unique personalities and the things that make them wonderful. I am also grateful for those things that have been hard that have brought us closer together.

I have profound gratitude for the man I love. He is my rock and I could never imagine my life without him. He is my very best friend, my soul mate, the one who I drive crazy and vice versa. We dream together, plan together, play together, love together. He has blessed my life and our children's lives a thousand fold.

I am grateful to just be me. For the good and the bad and all the in betweens...I am grateful the Lord made me who I am. I will change what I can, and embrace what I can't.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The Story Of The Oak Tree...Well, my story any way....

2011-11-18T20:32:00.000-06:00

My Katie and I were driving today and she told me that she was doing a special project for school. This project would include taking some pictures of me doing things that I love. She also said that for another project she was going to ask me some very personal, "thought provoking questions". We kind of laughed together when she reminded me that it was hard to believe that almost 30 years ago, I was where she is now. She said, that is like one of the questions I might ask you about. "What did you dream about when you were 16?" "What did you see yourself as?"

Somehow...as we turned in to the grocery store parking lot that brought us to the subject that a picture of me shopping should make a great picture of me. Since I am there all the time anyway and I love shopping. Then we began to talk about the dreams that her Dad and I have for our "someday". I told her that I dream of oak trees, and wrap around porches. I dream of fire pits and grand children screaming through the yard. I dream of herb gardens and wild flowers. I dream of the shadows that race across the stones of the Hill country. I dream of always being with my sweetheart with his pockets filled with acorns.

I have always loved Oak Trees. They have been a love of mine since I was a little girl. I guess I am drawn to them because they seem to reach deep down into to the earth as if they have always been there. It's as if the roots go so far down that they could come out on the other side of the world. They seem as if they existed forever. It's as if they have always "been". They represent strength to me. The whirey, bended branches that twist in so many different directions over years of weather and time don't weaken but make the oak stronger. To me, the oak tree represents family.

I had no idea when I met my husband that I'd find a man who'd always reach for acorns. As a little boy he did this, planted them in the ground in Mississippi and blessed his Mama with unsuspecting oak trees where she might not have wanted them. I have washed clothes and found acorns in the dryer. When we walk, he has always found the places with the acorns on the ground and of course they are tucked away in his pocket, or crushed up in a napkin to be planted on our land...someday. If we are blessed to live long lives, and he gets to plant the many acorns I have ever watched him pick up, we will be surrounded by a canopy of Oak Trees.

He has taught Justin to love acorns now, and I see his little pockets bulging as he fills them with his treasures he finds at the park or on walks. He is excited to go to Grandma's in Mississippi once again and plant some more in hopes that some unexpected trees will pop up much to his Grandmother's surprise and he can have all the credit.

Someday, I hope Kent and I can be laid down under an Oak Tree so the roots can wrap themselves around us and make us part of the earth. I told Katie if he was to ever to go before me. I am going to fill his casket with acorns. (smile) He'd miss them if he didn't have them. Besides...a tree might just pop up, and knowing him, it wouldn't surprise me. Perhaps he'll remember to tuck one in my pocket as well.

The end of the week, and Turkey Day on the Horizon...

2011-11-18T08:50:00.001-06:00

I survived the week. I don't think my kitchen did. I could take a picture of it but it might not have the same affect without the horrific scream in the background and the flash of the black and white camera shot of the woman holding her face in terror! Yeah, it's that bad. I have to finish this blog post, take a shower and as we say here in the south "get after it!" No, wait...I do have to make some pumpkin bread today! Jeepers! I thought the oven was going to get a break! That's okay! Maybe it will tomorrow.

So my confessions of the week...one night I ate pizza because after a day of baking ALL day...I just couldn't bring myself to COOK! I also ate crackers...and I put BUTTER on them. Yep, I did! Buttered crackers. Remember those...so good! I won't lie. They were that good and yeah, well, I enjoyed every buttery saltine and I haven't for one moment thought it was the end of the world. How cool is that? That is WHAT it is finally about. Living and doing and being and rolling along. We do what is right and best for us, best for our bodies, and we do as much as we can that is right and when we have those moments that we have something that is not good, it's a big ol' "so what"! It's when it's a constant, never ending, swimming in a pool of chocolate pudding and drinking it with a styrofoam "floaty" size straw that we have an issue! I believe I am out of the pool of pudding. I am pretty sure I am. Does that sound confident? I am working on it.

Last night...I had Whataburger. That is the best Hamburger for us Texans. I will miss those when we move away. I had every intention of grilling out and had some great asparagus to roast but we went to test drive a car and at 7:30 I was getting text messages from hungry kids. So there was little choice. Again, I don't feel sad, nor worthless. I move along and touch the creases of my mouth with my napkin and say..."that was sure yummy" and I keep on trucking!

I am happy! I am really happy. I guess I am happy in a weird kind of way because though I have so many worries that pull at me...I have an inner peace that all will be all right. I just know this. The more I strive to do what is right for me in all areas in my life, the more that will spill over in to the lives of my family. I just know that to be true. Does that sound confident? That I am not working on. I KNOW THAT IS TRUE BEYOND ANY DOUBT.

I love my family, and I am learning to love me and I am learning to accept me and the way I am little by little. As I slowly "creep down"...if I continue to accept me, I hope that will be the key to my lasting success.

With Thanksgiving next week I must say that I have so much to be profoundly grateful for. There is no need for a list. I am blessed, my family is blessed.

I will eat turkey, I will eat dressing, I will eat pie! So there! It's Thanksgiving Day! And then the next day isn't and I get right back to it. That's how it rolls! Besides, I am eating at a restaurant so there won't be any leftovers here. Good plan, huh?

It's been a few days...thought I ought to check in...

2011-11-14T11:27:00.000-06:00

I didn't want to lose track of me...and think I forgot to post.

I have been meaning to get on here and do a quick "check in" but things get hectic between playing taxi, and doing all that I need to. This weekend I probably ate many things I shouldn't have but fortunately they haven't really affected my weight...they did however affect my stomach. I found myself sucking on "Gas X" which is never a good thing. I am sure it was an even a less attractive matter to those who had to be anywhere near me but that is a consequence of going from eating sensibly to eating foods that are not so sensible. The stomach doesn't like it so much and it basically says..."Gross" don't do that.

So this morning I was back to a scrambled egg with some low fat ham, on a high fiber, low fat tortilla which carries me a long time. I do need to grab a snack though, just to keep my blood sugar on an even keel. Even though I am not really hungry...I still need to eat something so my metabolism works right.

I have a ton to do this week and need lots of energy to get it all done. I have two pies to bake for my husband, plus a sweet potato casserole...a big one. He needs all this for work on Thursday. I have cupcakes to make for my "Ladybug" on Wednesday night. There is laundry, and dishes and cleaning, and taxi-ing, OH MY! Thank goodness my energy is returning! Three cheers for eating better and finding renewed strength AND jeans that are looser! That is a HUGE plus!

Here's to a good week...with many prayers of strength to forge ahead to do all I need to do! I will keep all of those trying in them as well! Never one second believe this can't be done...because I know that nothing is impossible. You have to surrender! Don't hold back!

I am His daughter

2011-11-10T09:53:00.000-06:00

The Tortoise And The Hare...

2011-11-10T09:43:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about that story this morning. Who would I rather be? The tortoise or the hare? Two years ago, I would have been the one ready to be first to the goal line. The faster I got there, the better. Now I believe in pacing myself. I believe now that a slow, steady finish will help me win this race ultimately. So I suppose I shall be that giant, slow, tortoise plotting my way through this. If you think about it though, people who are slower, tend to be more thoughtful and careful about what they are doing so I suppose there is something to be said for that? Agreed?

When I speak of how much I lost in the past in my blog 2 years ago, and how quickly...I want to say right now that I don't recommend that. If I did, I'd still be that tiny thing I was when I lost it and would have never stopped. It was too much, too fast and though my ideas where right and methods were probably right...it wasn't healthy to lose it at that rate. I just don't want anyone to feel like I would ever encourage anyone to want to move at that speed. It sounds good, the immediate gratification is good but the lasting affects? Pshhh...well, here I am!

Now on to dinner last night. I was in a quandary as to what to fix. I wanted something I knew they would all eat and it had been a chicken dish the night before, turkey burgers (for me) and hamburgers for them the night before that, and the night before that is escaping me but I am sure it involved chicken, or turkey. LOL

So, after thinking about it I thought of a favorite thing my husband and kids really like. That is taco bowl salads. I have discovered that if you buy the giant flour tortillas and spray both sides with cooking spray and lay them over a balled up pieced of foil on a cookie sheet on 400 for about 7 minutes or so, they make "bowls". I made these but made one of the smaller ones for me using a low fat, high fiber tortilla from Mission. (Called "Life Balance) Anyway, I took some chicken breasts and coated them in a seasoning mixture I made with chili powder, garlic salt, cumin,sea salt and pepper, some olive oil and lemon juice and let that sit for an hour or so and grilled them. I also grilled two ears of fresh corn on the cob. Then I cut up fresh red peppers, avocado,cilantro, had black beans, tomatoes, fresh spring salad mix, some lower fat cheese, salsa, etc. I cut the corn off the cob and cut up the chicken and put all the stuff on the table and everyone made their own "salads" in a taco bowl. As my kids would say..."easy peasy lemon squeezey"! I have a low fat red pepper vinaigrette I put on mine that is really good.

I took all the left over veg's and cilantro, minus the lettuce and mixed them with the chicken and put them in a pyrex bowl for me to have for lunch today. So it should be good and HEALTHY which is what I am going for!

I love days like today....

2011-11-08T13:16:00.000-06:00

I hope I can handle month after month of days like today in Seattle. It's breezy and overcast and just a misty kind of day. I ran some errands this morning and even checked out possibilities for something to wear for a "holiday party" I may go to with my sweetheart in December. If I feel so inclined...I just may jump in with both feet and go. It's been forever since I have been willing to attend such an event but perhaps this year I will.

So in between running to and fro I have started dinner which I hope will turn out yummy. I will report back. I bought some of the high fiber english muffins and cut them up in to cubes and used the tiniest bit of olive oil, italian seasoning, garlic powder, sea salt and cracked pepper. I tossed these together and baked them on 400 until dry and crispy. I am going to put these in a mill for "bread crumbs". I bought some thinly sliced chicken breasts that I will brown in a pan sprayed with olive oil spray and then lay these in a dish that has some spaghetti sauce in it. I will sprinkle my homemade high fiber breadcrumbs on top, shave a small amount of parmesan cheese on there, then top with more sauce and then sprinkle top with part skim mozzarella. (not too much though) I have discovered that the canned sauces like Del Monte and Hunt's Traditional have a lot less fat than the jarred sauces and that is what I use. Unless it's summer and I have fresh tomatoes and can make my own to control the fat. Anyway, this will be my lowest fat version I can think of..."chicken parmesan". I am going to serve it with spaghetti squash for me and some pasta for the rest of the family. They can eat some garlic bread...that doesn't interest me. (smile)

I hope it turns out. I figure it will be one of those things I can put together and bake later. At least I hope it works out that way. So far my day is shaping up to be another one of racing around again.

2011-11-07T12:52:00.001-06:00

There are moments...

2011-11-07T08:43:00.000-06:00

That I just sit and look at the pictures that scroll on the screen of this blog and remember. I have pride and I have sadness. It's hard not to have both. It's kind of like looking back on my life and seeing my individual accomplishments and thinking about how proud of myself I am for those great things I have done. I can also look back on my life and think of the things I have screwed up and wish I hadn't and emotionally beat myself up a bit about it but I cannot turn back the hands of time. I have to learn from those experiences and keep asking myself "what led me to that"?

In the grand scheme of things all I want is to be free from some of the discouragement I feel. My husband is about to be advanced to a rank that I don't know even expected before retiring but it is a great honor and huge responsibility. The last time he advanced I wasn't there to watch him get his "stars" or even help pin them on him because I was embarrassed to be seen. I didn't want anyone to know I was his wife because "I was fat!" I didn't want to embarrass him. Now there is this huge advancement and this is as high as it gets for him and I don't want to miss it. I don't this time...I will not let my esteem and discouragement prevent me from sharing that moment. I am SO proud of him.

I feel in many ways I let my family down. I visualize it as a huge basketball game with the fans cheering and the team winning and everyone feeling awesome because they know their team is going to win. The "underdog" is finally gonna do it! Then in the last seconds of the game...then underdog stops trying and gives up on the game and they lose. And the underdog gives up and never tries again. It's a huge disappoint for everyone who believed they could win! They knew that they could. My family believed in me and cheered me on...and showed their love and support for me like crazy. People say in my pictures that as I shrunk my smile got bigger. I think it was because as my face was getting smaller it just made my mouth more noticeable. LOL. No, I am sure I smiled more. As I look though...they smiled more because I was happy.

So I have to now take all these moments and thoughts and put them in a giant mixing bowl and construct a plan that helps me learn from these experiences. What can I do to overcome obstacles and rather than tell myself I can't do it again...know that I indeed can. I can, there is no reason why I can't. I definitely have seen myself accomplish this on my own, I have the knowledge and I know it can be done.

I also feel very drawn to rely on my Savior at this time. I think so much of that is because of the influences that have been raging in my home lately. I should have always turned to him but right now...I need "Mommy Power" not just physically but spiritually. As I have heard my entire life...I need to put on the "whole armor of God" and fight like I have never before.

If you read my blog at all...eventually they will get to the meat and potatoes of how I am doing this and my progress. I will say that since I have really gotten going in the last two weeks I have lost about 9.5 pounds. So I am making progress. It feels to know my goal is attainable.

Off to eat some high fiber oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast! Here is to a day filled with prayer, study and then picking up toys, vacuuming, dishwashing, playing Mom taxi, planning dinner, etc,etc,etc. Sounds so familiar to many I am sure.

I am exhausted...

2011-11-02T20:03:00.001-05:00

I have been working on a wedding cake for my niece this entire week. I am happy to announce that I got all the cakes baked and frosting finished. Now all I have to do is transport it and get it put together for Saturday. I froze the layers for easy travel.

I haven't eaten much at all the last two days but I have eaten what I should. Just grabbing what I can running out the door. It has been a crazy week. If I am not baking I am running out the door running errands. I will be so happy when things settle back down. I want to walk, I want to shut out the world and have moments of peace.

At least I am still trying hard and happy that I am. I am not giving up on me. This weekend I will be away and so I will have to make good choices about what I eat. I doubt rehearsal dinners and weddings are the best places for that but I can make an effort. Portions will be my best friend I think in this scenario.

Survival of the fittest! That is what I call Halloween!

2011-11-01T08:52:00.000-05:00

I survived every bit of it! No going through the candy to find an almond joy, reeses peanut butter cup, nothing. I just stayed away from it!

I made some low fat red beans and brown rice for dinner last night. My husband said the smoked turkey sausage had "no flavor"! Oh well! I tried!

Yesterday I almost...almost signed up for a weight loss challenge on one of the boards I participate in. It has been so long since I did that. I chose not to though. My reasoning is because I am afraid to worry so much about how much I am losing and though I have chosen a an amount by a certain date, it's really,really reasonable. It is like 6.5 pounds a month. I am now talking 47 pounds in 7 months. Before I lost 114 pounds in 9 months approx. HUGE difference there. Even when I lose 47 I won't be quite as small as I was but I will be close...close enough that if I wanted to I could get there. I just didn't feel comfortable there, so why go there? Or maybe I lost it so super fast that I never gave myself the time to feel comfortable there and that is why it was such a shock to me and that is why I was like..."Hey, this is not me, and this is all wrong." I honestly have no idea and don't pretend to know. It was my own sabotage.

The rest of it...I have to chase those demon numbers out of my head because they seriously mess with me BAD. I am already starting that horrendous cycle of climbing on the scale daily and that is not cool. Yes, it is moving...DOWN. When it does that I start this spinning thought process that is harmful so I have to check and recheck my thinking. What is my goal here ultimately...to spend my entire life doing this over and over and over? Honestly, I really don't. In fact I need to be super careful what I do because if it is too extreme...it won't last. Maybe I need to take all that in to consideration.

I don't want my family to just hate my guts. Of course they didn't hate me before. In fact for a while they have asked me "when are we going to start eating healthy again"? That says something to me.

Anyway, off to make a good breakfast. Egg whites, some mushrooms,red peppers and spinach all wrapped up in a whole grain, low carb tortilla with hot sauce. I try sometimes to get lots of veg's in the morning to make sure I get them in. Last nights dinner for instance though I in protein and fiber had no veg's. So I try to fit them in where I can. This kind of breakfast will fill me up and I can eat a very light lunch of yogurt and fruit and call it good.

Happy Halloween! It's a "Boo-tiful" Day!

2011-10-31T09:00:00.001-05:00

I bought candy that I knew I'd have no desire to eat! How awful is that? Wicked! That is how awful. Actually I think it is pretty smart of me. I have decided that the quickest way to eating something is to have it available so if you are afraid you might eat it, don't have it around.

I discovered something really good this week that is good for a chocolate fix! I found it at Target actually. It is called "Lavish Dark Chocolate Old Fashioned Instant Oatmeal With Flax". It is one of those tall skinny boxes with 5 pouches in it. It has 160 calories, has 3 g of Fiber and 12 sugar grams, and 3 of protein. So if I add a non fat vanilla yogurt with that in the morning, it's not a bad breakfast AND...it chases my chocolate beast away! So that makes me happy. It is warm and has little bits of chocolate morsels that melt in your mouth so it's quite tasty.

I have a crazy week so I had to sit down and figure out a menu that would work around Halloween, Church for the kids on Wednesday and my son's birthday on Thursday. (he is 6 and has declared he is having breakfast for dinner along with a giant sugar cookie) and then I will not be here on Friday or Saturday for I will be off in Aggieland finishing a wedding cake and enjoying a wedding. My entire week will involved working on this cake.

It is also a bit hard to work on a menu when I feel like at times I am swimming a bit up stream with the kids. I have one who doesn't like beef or pork or ground turkey. I have those who get sick of ground turkey and chicken all the time. Then I have the few who go ewww at ground venison. There is me who needs to lower her cholesterol and so I really need to avoid the beef as much as possible as well as pork or other cholesterol rich foods. Tough call huh?

Oh well, beans, beans, the magical fruit! They can eat them...and they can...keep eating them if they don't like whatever meat I cook! Ha!Ha!

Off to grate carrots, and start baking...and baking...and did I say? Baking? :)

Today I walked...

2011-10-29T17:26:00.000-05:00

It was the first time in forever...

It saddened me at first because I felt defeated and angry that I was starting over. I kept saying to myself...I remember this...I remember that...I remember when I walked 4 miles...I remember 6 was easy...I remember 7 was easy...I remember not being able to stop. I don't know why I stopped but the fact of the matter is that I did. I just did and IT IS WHAT IT IS. All the self defeating and anger and what ever negative feelings I can muster up now won't change a thing in the world...I stopped and what happens when you stop? You start over again or you just sit there and well, you fall apart and eventually you die. That is the short of it.

I am not exactly sure what I am reaching for but I suppose it is just some momentum forward. Movement in a forward direction and away from the stagnation I have felt for a really long time. With the struggles that have been happening within the walls of my own little cave and clan...I need strength like I have never needed before in my life. I need personal strength, physical strength and I need spiritual strength. I need to give a lot of this away to my Heavenly Father. I don't think ever in my life have I felt more tortured as a Mother because I feel really helpless and I know the only one who can understand that is my Heavenly Father. He truly must feel helpless as he watches all his children screw up when he has given us all we need.

Part of me asks what does this have to do with my "journey to changing my OUTSIDE"...well, I can't change anything outside unless I also change what is going on the inside. That is a work in progress as well.

So when I went on my walk today I sat on a bench by the water and silently prayed and let the tears fall. I asked that I find the strength to rise up against the waves that may crash against my family and be willing to do whatever it takes to be that lighthouse to them.

I just realized it was a year ago...

2011-10-29T09:30:00.000-05:00

That I tried to get back to this...wow. I was looking back at my posts and I tried to get back in gear a year ago but didn't. Is it the "time of the year"? Who knows. What a time to re-think health? Halloween Candy? Pumpkin bread? Pecan Brittle making time...and I am making a wedding cake so lots of gooey cream cheese frosting is about to abound. All that has not got to matter much to me because I figure all of that is all about life and that is what we live in. I can't take myself out of reality. So realistically I live in it but eat better.

I had a long day yesterday and found myself unloading and loading the dishwasher at Midnight! Any other time I would have NEVER been doing that. Afterwards I took a shower because I still had the energy and really wanted a shower and I thought about something...in just 5ish days of eating better...I FEEL TREMENDOUSLY better. My energy level is up 75%.
That is awesome!

So it's Saturday, plenty to do...Mom Taxi has her routes planned out, as well as a wedding cake to plan out as I will be a baking fool next week. I also need to make meal plans for next week. It does take more thought and planning to figure out meals that are more nutritious.

Much to do...

My fingers can't find a title...

2011-10-28T15:36:00.000-05:00

Uh...such an emotional week but it ends well for me with regards to my efforts to eat better.

I believe since my shoulder surgery in July I have dropped almost 20 pounds or pretty close to it. So that is a good start. My "goal" is to lose about 50 is more (just less that that) by the time we leave this summer for Seattle, so that gives me 7 months. I think that is plenty of time.

I have felt emotionally drained this week. I have felt drained for at least the last 8 months but more so for the last 6 months. It has felt the like the forces of darkness and evil have been trying to really harm my children and I am not okay with that. As a mother I will take any blows the world can throw but I ask that my children be spared...but I am learning I cannot shield them from everything and that really hurts. I want to protect them from everything and take all the pain but unfortunately I don't have the power to intercede. That fact has caused me so much heart ache. It wasn't until I held my very first little girl that it dawned on me in one moment that I finally found someone I would die for. I would give my life for my children. I don't know that they will ever know that until they have their very own and then they will "get it".

I started somewhere....

2011-10-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

I went to the Dr. last weeks so I could get a physical. It's the way it all began before. This is the best way in the world I believe in my heart anyone should start. I have to know where I am in the "grand scheme of things". Yesterday I got a call back that my cholesterol was high...(imagine that) and my thyroid is low (go figure). This afternoon he wants to meet with me to go over my treatment options so I can work on these things. The cholesterol is an easy fix for me. I have done it before...I can do it again. I know how to fix that. The thyroid is a different issue...there is only one way to deal with that and I guess I need to finally step up to the plate and take the medicine they have been trying to get me to take for about 3 years but I have avoided it. I take enough meds as it is. I guess one more won't hurt. At least I am in the good habit of taking meds. :)

This week I starting my journey once again...fiber, fiber, fiber and did I say...fiber? I don't think I have had any red meat but it's only Wednesday. I have been drinking more water and am more aware of the little things I am doing. So I am beginning ever so slowly...creeping my way back in the saddle...

I don't even know where to begin....

2011-10-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

Perhaps tonight isn't the right time because I am filled with so many emotions for reasons I can't share. Once upon a time though and not so long ago this was an amazing sounding board for me. This was my journal of sorts and it helped me move forward and I accomplished some things I didn't dream imaginable. I did something that I cried out, shouted from the roof tops that I wouldn't do again...I gave up on me. I stopped DEAD in my tracks. It was as sudden as I started.

I have started other blogs but they go no where. I decided this was the right thing to do. I needed to go on with this very one. The one that started it all for me.

I used to be very careful about what I said because though I write my thoughts mostly for me...I have friends and family who check in on me. I didn't want to offend someone if the RAGE in my head and my heart translated in to my words. I have decided that I can't no longer do that. If it is what I feel and what is flying through my fingers...then it is what the world will see. This is who I am and I make no apologies for my language up front. It is what is.

Do I have a plan tonight...NO, as I said...way to much going on for me to think clearly but I needed to start this. I began a few days ago when the world stood still and I got interrupted.

This is a start though...just a start.

I am going private....so if you can still read this...I hit the WRONG button!

2010-10-21T20:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have a "stalker" or two that really have no business knowing the ins and outs of my life...so I am closing this down...and I will allow only those who I want to read my thoughts.

Selfish Much? That's the whole idea! :)

Are you sitting down?

2010-10-08T13:56:00.002-05:00

I survived a day without a diet coke? Yeah, I am stoked too!

Carry on!

Wow, Day 4 and I am actually posting...

2010-10-07T13:02:00.003-05:00

I have a pulse, a heart beat...a breath...

Last night I actually found it a wee bit hard to go to sleep because I had....

No, I didn't have a Monster drink, I had energy and so much so that it made it hard to get to sleep. I guess eating better is already having a drastic affect on me. I took my new pup for a walk to so I am sure that helped. Hubby brought me home a diet coke and I think I drank maybe 8-12 oz of it so that would be it for the entire day. I haven't had any diet soda today. I have had plenty of water though so that's a good thing.

Last night I made some amazing pork chops. We had them with sweet potatoes, and brussels sprouts and fresh corn. I ate my potato without butter, and only half a piece of corn, also no butter. It was so fun to sit and eat with my family. I asked them if they are ready for me to be home in the evenings so we have dinners together. I also asked them if they are ready to start eating better again. They all gave me a YES! I guess they don't like dinner with just Dad! (giggle) Family dinners are so fun! The conversations are always a riot.

So what thoughts do I have for today? Just to keep living...right here...in this moment...not to one side or the other. Just be somewhere happy in the middle, healthy doing my thing.

2 Down, Hello Mr. 3!

2010-10-06T08:24:00.004-05:00

Wow, I have actually survived 2 days of eating well and only 2 Diet Cokes. Now my Diet Cokes aren't for the faint of heart but 2 is better than 4, right?

I also took a leap and stepped on the scale this morning. That gives me power believe it or not. It gives me knowledge and a bit of courage to embrace something rather than hide from it. I have a goal in my head that is modest, do-able and I am not going to live in extremes. I am going to do my best to avoid crap, enjoy the good stuff and have a blast creating all the fun things I love to create in the kitchen. (even the goodies)

Next week I start on a new adventure. I am going to be working the graveyard shift. I am actually really excited about it because it is going to allow me to be here more for my family. I will be at work when they are asleep. It will give me the opportunity to have family dinner with them, enjoy walks with my hubby again like we used to, and help with getting kids picked up or taken to and fro. I know it's going to be a huge adjustment on my body and I am going to have to learn how to make it work but I am willing to at least give it a shot.

I survived yesterday and today is 2/3 over with....

2010-10-05T15:43:00.003-05:00

and I am still breathing!

I didn't do anything spectacular with the exception of eating well as I planned. I also just limited myself to one soda.

Today I am being tempted to have another soda but I am going to find something else to have instead. I am sure I have some sugar free something or other to flavor my water with.

So I am pleased....just pleased that I conquered the day and WON!

Tomorrow I hope to be able to say the same about today!

Step one...again...

2010-10-04T15:25:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days I just decided to eat well. So far I have, and I expect to the rest of the day. I am going to actually take my "snack" with me to work rather than being drawn to that which is not going to do me any favors. :)

I want to feel better, so this is step one!

That's all!

Do you ever wonder?????

2010-09-17T13:34:00.002-05:00

If there ever can come a point in time where it's okay to tell yourself your perfect just the way you are? Is there ever going to be a moment where I can allow myself to take a deep breath and whisper in such a way that it becomes my truth...I am okay?
I have thought, and over thought and then thought somemore about what my "problem is" and honestly, it would be easier to dig to the center of the universe. The one truth I keep coming back to is that I have NEVER allowed myself to be okay with who I am? I have NEVER...stopped and just loved who I was that very moment. I have been in a constant battle my entire life to fit myself in to mold that would allow me to be acceptable in the eyes of others but losing myself in the process.

I guess I am tired of always trying to be some "state of becoming". I'd rather just focus on who I am this very moment and go from there.

I wonder sometimes....

2010-08-11T15:47:00.003-05:00

If my "loss of control" is my way of exerting some control in my life?

I spent most of my younger years being controlled and I hated it. I find sometimes now in my life that there is chaos and it is my own doing. It's as though I am trying to initiate some bizarre feelings of "I can do what I want". It's almost an effort to rebel against what is normal, expected, etc. That is the one thing I would totally like to kick in the ass. I want to beat back those feelings and do what I need to because I WANT TO! That's the ugly monster I wrestle on a daily basis...the "I want to do it" monster versus the "you need to do it monster". It's pretty ridiculous but it's MY REALITY!

Anybody have a couch I can lay on so I can open up my head and get analyzed?????

Well, the fact that I am here, this moment...typing IS PROGRESS!

This will have nothing to do with weight loss....

2010-07-26T09:33:00.002-05:00

We may be at another cross roads in the life of our family. We are coming up upon a time where huge decisions are to made regarding our place in this world and where we should go next. A probable advancement will once again push us in other directions...but to where, we have no idea.

First I have to say how profoundly proud I am of my sweet husband. He is so shy to acknowledge that he is a pretty smart guy. What he has accomplished during his service in the Coast Guard is something pride worthy. Yet, he is so humble but I see it in his eyes. He will never boast but he is beaming for sure and I think he should. I love that about him.

I sat last night with my 3 eldest in the office. I don't even remember what caused us to all end up in the same room but it gave us the time to have a heart to heart. I went to bed last night filled with an insurmountable amount of gratitude for these gifts, our children. Each one of them is amazing and as much as I beat myself up about my failings as a person and a parent, I see them, I hear them and understand that they didn't get their magically. I did have a hand in the amazing kids they are. I heard my daughter share with us tearfully the most amazing testimony of her Heavenly Father's love, and her great love for our family. I was stunned for a moment and then consumed.

I am a lucky person and for all my struggles there are triumphs. Life is NOT all about my physicality...it actually has precious little to do with it. It's about LIVING, and LOVING and being present in the moment. I miss so many important moments because I am thinking or doing things that are really unimportant. I don't want to miss anymore.

I will press on and be more prayerful about the changes I make in me...as huge changes continue to be made in our family. My daughter reminded me that no matter what, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and we have an incredible family. No matter where we go, that is a constant and anything else pales in comparison.

Leap...Leap I said! Go on LEAP!

2010-07-01T12:33:00.006-05:00

I keep hearing that in my head. Take a leap...do this...get out of this box...move ahead...get off this place where you are stuck and reach out ahead in to the future.

"Unless you change direction you'll arive at where your going". Hello, I am arriving at my destination and I DON'T like it one bit.

I hate the waiting and I tell myself NOT TO! What am I waiting for the mysterious "it" that I always seem to be waiting for. That jolt of whatever it is to push me off the cliff and move out ahead. I can't do this anymore.

I suppose it's time for a "sit down" with myself and plan out my strategy. I don't mean wake up one morning and do things 100% different because that is the key to failure in my life. I mean just figure out what small steps I can make to move me in the right direction.

It's time to LEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am making a "wish" list. It's not a list for anyone but me...my dream wish list.

I wish my house was organized. I wish when I opened a drawer I saw everything neatly folded, in it's place. I wish all books were on a "book shelf", papers were in folders in a nice, tidy office. I wish clothes were washed and put a way, floors were always swept and mopped, bathroom emaculate, dinner made, boy in bed early every night after a bath, and I wish we had enough money to enjoy life and pay "Peter and Paul" without me working. I wish I could make the time to sew magical things, or crochet. I wish I could curl up with a book and enjoy it without knowing that I am neglecting the many other things that I need to do. I wish when people came to visit I didn't feel the need to "apologize" because things are in perfect order in my home. I wish when my family came to visit and I felt a sense of panic because I can't possibly get the house perfect like I want.

I wish I could have taught my children at a very young age to help more and to pick up after themselves. I feel like I really failed in that department because I just didn't want to "fight".

It's raining outside and if my surroundings where as I wish they were I could blog and not feel the pangs of guilt I feel right now because there are other things I need to be doing.

So I close "my wish" list for now. I am off to attempt to accomplish something before I go to work and then tomorrow the cycle begins again. Sigh....

A Lapse is NOT a Colapse

2010-06-17T15:46:00.002-05:00

I was driving home the other day and this song came on my ipod. I got goose bumps as I listened though I have heard the song a hundred times before. I miss feeling the peace I once felt. I know it's not my Heavenly Father's fault...it's mine. He is there, always waiting for me to open my arms and reach for him. I need to start reaching for I know he never tires of waiting but I miss him and I am sure he has missed me.

Once upon a time....

2010-05-17T15:26:00.006-05:00

there was a little girl who I held up on my knees while I gave her a bath with Mommy for the first time. It was just she and I and no one else seemed to matter. I was in awe of this dark haired, blue eyed newborn beauty who was staring back at me. I remember feeling so humbled that Heavenly Father had chosen me to be this perfect little person's Mom. Then it happened, she looked at me and she smiled. It wasn't one of those sleepy smiles that makes you wonder what they could be dreaming of. It was a smile for me...a recognition. She melted me that day and I knew beyond a doubt for the first time a kind of love I'd never known before. I knew that I would do anything for her, give everything to her, lay down my life for her. I knew in that single moment that I was a Mother and she was a gift that I had been in trusted with.

My little girl has grown in to an amazing young woman. Life with her has been a blast some moments, heart breaking at others. She has been my hero and there were times she fought to defend me when a little girl never should. She has been purple hair, banana suit, crazy dancing around the living room girl. She has been the girl who cried out to me because she felt different from others and struggled to find herself and friends that would love her. She has been messy rooms, and artistic and compassion fills her in abundance. She is a beauty who loves me to dress her up, fix her hair, put make up on her face. She trusts me and sends me back often to that first smile.

She was my first...my baby. I made mistakes and have said or done things that I regret. She has loved me and found ways to forgive me as I have struggled through this thing called "Motherhood" with her. Now she stands on the threshold of new adventures and growing up and I wonder where my little girl went. I love her and pray for her. I am so proud of her and know that she will go and take on the world with passion.

I am honored to be your Mom, Kelley. If there is one thing that I hope you know is that you are loved beyond what there are words to describe. I pray you will live your life to the crazy fullest. Follow your heart and DREAM BIG!!! Live your life with no regrets! If you make mistakes then get up, learn from them and move on. All that we do in life shapes us and gives us experience.

Remember what I have always told you, and that is I will always be here for you. I'd fight the devil himself to protect you kiddo and there is nothing that we can't handle. This is how it will always be...I'll always be here for you.

Congratulations my 2010 graduate. Big, Big things are waiting for you out there! Have a colorful, crazy life and paint it amazing!

I love you my Kelley "Belle"!

Mom

Greased Pigs! I swear they got me surrounded...

2010-05-09T10:02:00.002-05:00

I think "greased pig" racing sums up my life. I chase them down...catch them, enjoy the victory and then BOOM! Those suckers slip right out of my hands just not wanting to be caught. I feel like I am tired of it, want to give up but someone has got to win...and is it going to be the PIG or me?

I still wrestle like crazy with my self image. It seems like not that long ago I was proud, and amazed that I weighed just what I weigh right now. I would have been thrilled to be here...where I am right now. However...I beat myself up severely because I got so far down that I feel such humiliation that I only stayed there for such a short time. PEOPLE KNOW I AM A FAILURE! All they have to do is see me now and they can see I have failed at the race I was winning. I try and I try and then try some more not to think in those terms. Those thoughts seem so vain and selfish but they are there and they nag me.

It is hard to walk amoungst those I love and feel like I have let them down. Sometimes I just want to shout to the heavens...."CAN'T I JUST BE ME???? PLEASE!!!!!"

My Own "Terabithia"

2010-05-03T10:02:00.003-05:00

Today I woke and decided that I'd face the week head on. My weekend was fun with my parents here for a visit. I got to dress my daughter for a prom and she was a "stunner" and I attended my other daughter's piano recital where the music gave me chills. It was an all around great weekend. Of course it was "highlighted" by hamburgers, dip, chips, tacos and muffins and a beautiful coconut cream pie that I made. Suffice it to say I enjoyed myself.

It's a new day though...new week.

I got up this morning and stepped on the scale so I knew where I was starting off, got out my workout shorts and a trusty "T" and then laced up my shoes. After I played "taxi" I slipped away to my favorite walking place. This is "My Terabithia". I love this place. The smell of honeysuckle just filled my lungs, and the squirrels kept me on my toes as they made the pine straw move suddenly. The turtles were out getting their daily sun as the beams of light jetted through the trees. Every once in a while a leaf would sail down to the ground like a lost snow flake. I love walking through the arched canopies that are made by trees and vines that have bent over time. It is as if I am some sort of royalty in the forest and the red birds, and the blue jays are singing an anthem to me as I walk. I honestly started to cry a little. It was just a little. My heart was heavy for just a moment because I was saddened that I had robbed myself of these moments. I find peace in this. I find peace in trying hard to do what is best for me. I sat on a stump by the lake and said a prayer and thanked my Heavenly Father for the beauty that he has blessed me with in this earth. I also asked him forgiveness because lately I feel like "the little girl lost in the woods" and I have made A LOT of mistakes. The only thing I can do is "renew" and start again...one little step at a time but in the right direction.....towards good things.

Yep, gonna post two in one day...

2010-04-30T14:50:00.002-05:00

I don't as a rule post twice in one day but I wanted to make a shout out to one of my friends!

I am so proud of Diane and wanted to tell her that I think she is doing an AWESOME JOB!

I am posting a picture of a lilly because she loves them. She knows what she has accomplished so I won't share ALL the goods but let's just suffice it to say she really rocks and I think she's wonderful!

Keep it up Ms. Diane! Your doing great!!!!!

Just thoughts...that's all....

2010-04-30T09:05:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was pondering...and I was thinking about one of my favorite blogs. I thought about how amazing it is and how I wish I had such gifts and talents and yada, yada,yada. I thought about other friends of mine and all the super things about them that I believe make them remarkable and how I wish I had bits and pieces of them. I found myself pushing "ME" way down on the "TOTEM" poll...like feet resting on my head shoving down, down,down. I was like "what in the heck!" I don't know why I do that. This blog I write is not for the masses or for the few friends of mine that may read it here and there, it is for me. So if it is not as amazing as I may find other blogs, then WHATEVER! I am plicking and plucking through something in my life right now that I find so incredibly difficult but so real. The journey to ME. (Where is my Space Odyssey Theme music when I need it) The story I write here...is MINE! The words...MINE. The thoughts....MINE! The "Totem" pole needs to have MY many different weird faces on it....at all stages of this race I run for my life.

So on to another crazy thought as I was trying to do some housecleaning A.D.D. style yesterday. Good Golly Miss Molly. It hit me as I had gone from hanging a few clothes in the closet to going straight in to the shower and started scrubbing randomly that it made no sense whatsoever what I was doing. I thought...I ought to make a video on "youtube" about this. No wonder it takes so freakin long to accomplish anything because I am here, there and EVERYWHERE....constantly. I am sure if any one where to sit and watch the method to my madness they would be completely confused because honestly there is no method...it's just complete madness...mwhahahahaha.... That is why those that love me....JUST LOVE ME!

Oh well...It's Friday and I have had an awesome week...down like 6 pounds even though I should not be keeping track of that but I am. My pants are still TOO tight but that will change soon. My daughter's prom is tomorrow and I am off this weekend and will enjoy being with my family.

Selfish Lady Sends.

Good Goobily Grape...

2010-04-29T11:37:00.003-05:00

That seriously doesn't mean a darn thing but if it made ya look then Ha!Ha! Got ya! I can't believe that I started eating better on Monday and here it is mid Thursday and I feel so much better...like Sooooooooooooooo much better. I also don't really want to talk too much about weight but will let ya in on a little bitty secret...When I spied on my weight Monday...and then spied on my weight this morning...well there is more than a 5 pound difference already. That is kinda sad and kinda great all in the same thought. I know it's water weight but seriously don't care about it....it's a HUGE difference in a very few days just from being smart about my choices. I have A LOT more energy. ANOTHER thing I have noticed...when I wear my workout clothes, I feel like walking. If I dress like a slob you can only guess what I feel like. The word "slug" comes to my mind...

I think I have felt like a slug long enough.... Here's to no more "slugging" around...

Selfish Lady Sends....

Breakfast of a champion....

2010-04-28T08:39:00.003-05:00

This is what one of my favorite breakfasts looks like. I am kicking myself because I have been missing out on all the fun of eating this way lately. I love to cook and I love to eat and this is one is so yummy. It's a whole wheat high fiber tortilla (Mission Plus) and then scramble egg whites with some sea salt and cracked pepper. I have about 1/4 of a small avocado sliced on there and then some home-made salsa! I confess...I literally drank the leftover juice off the plate...it was that good.

So after two good days I feel like I am on a bit of a "roll"...and eventually my "rolls" should go down some. I stepped on the scale just for some encouragement and we'll just say I got LOTS of encouragement in just two days. I am seriously just trying to get back to a point where I feel good in my skin and my clothes fit where I want them to. I am not shooting for some mystical weight or pie in the sky number. I just want to enjoy the great closet full of clothes I have and stay FAR away from the plus sized department. I do not want to creep back in that direction.
I just want to settle, nestle down in a nice, pleasant place where I feel comfortable about me. I feel a lot of shame again because it's obvious that I have gained weight and I cringe when I come around people who haven't seen me in a couple of months. It's like "Wonder Woman" lost her powers or something. Gack! I hate that and I have never wanted to be that or feel that way. I am trying to work through that because I feel like I am pushing people I love and care about away because of it.

Wooo Hooo!

2010-04-27T08:54:00.002-05:00

I survived yesterday! I stepped on the scale became "painfully" aware of how much I have screwed up lately and I lived to tell about it! To top it all off...yesterday I loved myself enough to eat well, drink plenty of water and stay far away from the crap! I think that's pretty newsworthy! Don't you????? Here's to another good day!

Selfish Lady Sends....

The "pendulum" hath swung.........

2010-04-26T11:27:00.002-05:00

and it "hath" gonged me right up side the head! Do you wanna know what I did today? I stood in the doorway of my bathroom and stared across it at the scale on the other side just sitting on the floor. It kinda reminded me of a spaghetti western and we were in the middle of town about to have a shoot out...just me...and that ol' dusty scale! I stepped a little closer...a little closer still...and before it could move, I held my breath, closed my eyes and I hopped on it to hold it down. I slowly opened one eye and looked straight ahead and realized that I was still alive. I was standing on the scale and I was still alive and breathing. This was a big thing! I opened the other eye and realized that I could indeed still see and the dizzying affects of standing on a lonely, dusty scale had only temporarily rendered me blind. Of course I knew what that meant for me...so I very gently let my chin fall south and sort of squeenched up my face so I wouldn't get the full on "vision" of that digital read out that was about pop out at me. I slowly relaxed and let it come in to view and well...there it was........DAMN! I might as well have been shot in a draw because OUCH! That just hurts! Here.......I am going to silently mutter all kinds of bad words

Alright I am done! I must say however I am so glad that I did it! I think one of my biggest faults lately has been NOT doing what I know I should be TO THE EXTREME TIMES PIE! (including some pie too! LOL) That includes not regularly getting on the scale and knowing where I stand.

So today's post is not full of promises or anything even though I have lots of grand schemes rolling around my heart and head. Today's post is just a REVELATION or a confession!

We will see what tomorrow brings.

Selfish Lady Sends...

Sugar...Sugar....ah...Honey...Honey.....

2010-04-09T08:48:00.003-05:00

So I have "signed" up,"thrown my hat in", given the "big thumbs up"...for a challenge from some of my Coast Guard wife friends. It is a challenge to NOT consume any sugar for the next two weeks beginning Saturday, April 10th! Since I am the crazy mother who will be chaperoning a bunch of band kids from the wee hours of Saturday to Sunday on a band contest/amusement park trip...I have decided to start on Sunday. Start I shall though...

I believe I am going to use my blog each and every day just to record whatever the heck I want. My hope is that it'll help me get back on the track I have gotten so far off of.

Here's to me...and goodbye to the "white stuff".

Selfish Lady Sends.........

Mirror Mirror On The Wall....

2010-04-07T09:17:00.002-05:00

Why do you have to be so honest? Why do I hate what I see staring back at me?

Ugg...I just don't have the profound rah!rah!rah! words right now. They are just gone from me. All those "I can do anything feelings" have escaped! Poof! Gone.

I find myself having a resentment for people who have weight loss surgery right now. How stupid is that? I am just being honest with myself though. I have never believed they have it easy. I have always believed that I would rather do what I have done than take the risks associated with WLS...BUT, and there is always a big BUT....they have a "tool of permanence" I call it. I think though I am no expert that it is much harder to undo WLS and eat around it than it is to gain weight without. Am I making any sense at all? I am just saying that it doesn't take much effort for someone who hasn't had WLS to gain but people who have probably have to work a little harder to gain. Maybe I am just talking out my ASS. Yes, I said ASS....sorry it's not a pretty word but I have warned before that I can be salty sometimes and I guess I am feeling extra seasoned right now. The collective few who even may read this will be happy to know that will be the extent of my naughty vocab. in this blog post.

So I am blogging today because I just need to and desperately trying to sort through how I feel. It is if I am waiting for something to "click" in me...the "switch" to go back on. For now...I guess the lights are on but nobodies home. Ha!Ha!

Blah, Blah,Blah....

2010-04-06T16:14:00.003-05:00

Normally I would think these are very cute but since this is how I feel lately....I DON'T THINK IT'S CUTE AT ALL!

I think I am "THERE"....

2010-04-05T08:42:00.003-05:00

I am at that place I don't want to be. You know the one? The one where you don't want your picture taken because it'll reveal what you already know. I don't want to see family because they'll take notice that I sure don't look like I did a couple of months ago. My sexiness....don't the toilet. My confidence...down the toilet! My ability to breathe in my life and feel like I OWN IT! Gone....my rhythm...my groove....CAPUT!!!!!!!! I feel like a total puffer fish! And I want to scream....a gut wrenching, internal scream that the universe can hear because I am sooooooooooo tired of this. I am a hamster on a wheel....that goes round and round and round.

I remember LONG ago there was a lady named "Susan Powter" or something similar and she used to scream..."Stop the Insanity"! That is where I am at.....this is completely insane and I have got to grab hold of the reins and STOP!

Screw the pictures of me, screw what everyone else sees....I have to think about ME!!!!! I have to remember that I am "The Selfish Lady" and it's all about me! Saving....ME!ME!ME!

I guess I just hate that there is no "end point"...it will always be a work in progress and I have got to get that through my head. I can't STOP!

I will be blogging more...it helped. It cleanses my head a little bit as does walking and sweating and feeling like I accomplished a little something. So I have done one good thing today and am about to tie my shoes and do another.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Have You Missed Me????????????

2010-03-15T12:30:00.003-05:00

My husband said the other night to me..."well I guess you have given up on your blog" as he noticed I hadn't posted in a while. I am sure that he has noticed my curves and extra added softness lately too.

I haven't given up...I just have been in a funk and trying to figure out where in the world I want to be with all of this. I think I have been really tired...tired of it all, tired of trying, tired of worrying with it, tired of the obsession.

I have been searching for a balance in my head that I haven't found yet. In the mean time I have gained weight, and as I have gained I have found things about it that I like and things I don't. You live you whole life believing you are one thing and it gets ingrained in your head. I look in the mirror and this very moment see a person I somewhat recognise where as in the last 6 months there has been a girl that revealed herself that was foreign to me. I wasn't completely comfortable with that and unfortunately got scared away a bit by it. I am trying to find the "in between" place where I can love who I am and what I look like, be healthy and quit obsessing over all of this.

There are things that I did NOT like at my thinnest....I am sorry. Actually, I am NOT sorry but I will explain.
For those of you who have ever lost an excessive amount of weight you will understand this but others will not and I am okay with that. I don't think I LIKE the bones showing, the veins in my arms bulging, the skin on my neck hanging, my arms, my legs, etc. I DON"T LIKE IT! It's embarrassing to me. I don't like hearing it either and believe me when I run...even up the stairs...I could hear it and that is just humiliating. I didn't like feeling my shoulder bones poking out or the skin hanging off my ass like it was melting off me. I don't like it! The ONLY way to correct some of the things I didn't like is to surgically correct them and frankly right now...I am not "SELFISH" enough to go in to that kind of debt. I have gained weight...deliberately?...not necessarily unless it's just been an act of total rebellion. I just stepped off the curb a bit and got stuck in the traffic of my mind. I have an ass again which doesn't bother me...I think I look much better from behind. ha!ha! My neck looks normal now where before I felt like I was getting a "gobbler" and I want to wait 20 more years before I get my old lady "gobbler". I DON"T like the muffin top...and that I need to do something about AND I don't like not being able to wear all my super skinny clothes. So I am in search of a middle ground.

I think most of all I am tired of feeling like I will never be good enough for myself! I don't know how to fix that and losing weight has not fixed it. Somehow, somewhere there is something inside of me that refuses to believe that I am really okay the way I am deep down inside.

That is what this journey has been about and as you can see...right now I am faced with another detour. It's never over and I have said there is no "finish line". It just doesn't stop and so what I am searching for is just some satisfaction...the ability to say...and REALLY believe...I'm okay.

It's amazing beautiful outside today and so I will lace up my lucky shoes and walk, and walk and walk...just like I did in the very beginning.

Some continue to seek me out and say..."You are amazing....and such an inspiration" and I cringe because I don't think I have "succeeded". I found myself one day trying to say..."I can't do this anymore" but then it dawned me..."I can't STOP doing this". I have to try...I am not throwing my hands up!

One more thing...for your reading pleasure...this is the March issue...

http://www.healthandfitnessmag.com/magazine-sections/fitness-and-exercise/success-story

There is something about running in the rain...

2010-02-01T10:33:00.002-06:00

It's cold and wet and the side walks are slick but it's amazing to be out in it. Perhaps it is because it's not "ideal" and that is just the point. There is no "ideal" time to do anything amazing or worth doing...you just have to jump out there and do it. Then when your in the thick of it you realize how miraculous it all is...

I love those moments.

Selfish Lady Sends....

My daughter...

2010-01-31T09:50:00.002-06:00

went running/walking with me yesterday in the cold. She asked me if Dad was going to do the 1/2 marathon with me next year. I told her that he is supposed to and then she asked if he didn't, could she do it! I was thrilled. I told her that whether he does or doesn't, she definitely can do it! How awesome that will be not only to have my husband but one of my kiddos there next year!

So far, so good with the running/walking program. I am learning as I go but rather than do it for the timed splits, I use landmarks. I am going to run to here...then walk to here and so forth. For me it's too complicated to have a stop watch and be preoccupied with that. I do stretch out well before I go and also include that 5 minute brisk walk to warm up before I go.

Still loving my "Courage To Start" book. The more I read...the more I want to recommend it. This guy really speaks to me.

You know I have waffled a lot with the running vs. walking thing but this is something I really want to do. I want to do it because I have always told myself that I couldn't be a runner and I want to prove myself wrong. That is the absolute main reason why I am doing this...to push myself to a new limit and do something I believed I couldn't. I believe it's all about reaching forward now...new heights, ya know?

Selfish Lady Sends....

It's the little things that he does....

2010-01-29T12:50:00.003-06:00

that just melt me! I know...I know...I brag but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. What is it that is so magical about turning around in the shower and watching a big heart appear on the door as the steam fills the air? Probably as magical as looking in my rear view mirror as I am driving down the road only to discover "I Love You" written in the dust on the back window for the whole world to see! I don't know how he does it...BUT HE DOES IT! He is kinda sneaky that way! I love those little, silly things he does to remind me that I am special and apparently still rock his world! :) I know he does mine.

Just wanted to share.

Selfish Lady Sends.

A book suggestion...

2010-01-28T08:30:00.003-06:00

I bought this book on Amazon after a suggestion from a gentleman I met on an isle in Walmart. I was wearing a marathon training shirt and we struck up a conversation as he and his wife were both doing the marathon. When I told him that this year I was walking but wanted to learn to run as that is my goal for next year, he suggested this book.

I have barely gotten in to it but so far I really like it! It fascinates me that the author started "running" at the ripe ol' age of 43...the same as I am now. He has such a cool perspective and I am excited about getting further in to the meat and potatoes of the book.

I love what he says though...."The miracle isn't that I finished the race...the miracle is that I had the courage to start".

Selfish Lady Sends...

Couch to 5K...starts TODAY!

2010-01-25T09:28:00.002-06:00

Yeppers, starting that program today. I am excited for the new challenge and the opportunity to push myself to do something new. I know it's going to be a struggle for me to hold back a little as this program insists you do but I'll deal with that.

Had a nice weekend. I honestly ate whatever the heck I wanted to...including some pineapple-cream cheese "King Cake" and it was yummy. No worries though. I am just moving along here.

I feel like I have so much to do this week as my house is like "tornado alley". So I need to get a grip on that because it is driving me crazy! Music helps me with that so after I pick up "Mr. Pickles" from school today I'll put on the tunes, and dance around the house while I work on seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I work tonight so gotta do while I can...oh yeah and fix a meal for the family to have while I am at work too.

Life is good and it's a beautiful day to get out and exercise! Out the door I go!

Selfish Lady Sends...

Here's a banana bread recipe for ya!

2010-01-22T08:51:00.001-06:00

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Whole-Grain-Healthy-Banana-Bread/Detail.aspx

I sometimes add a 1/4 cup of whole flax seeds. The give it a nutty texture and then all the yummy goodness that flax seeds offer as well. It's a win!win!

I found the video of me crossing the finish...Yay!

2010-01-19T12:22:00.000-06:00

http://houstonmarathon.finishcam.com/WatchMarathonFinishCam.aspx?Id=RDNSMA6qxsfEhhBTm29UatyGNj6Gis7B&Camera=1

Okay, time to move on to somethin...somethin...

2010-01-19T08:34:00.003-06:00

Alright, so I met my goal for the marathon! It's time to work on other goals I have! I still am a little sore but don't want to let the grass grow under my feet. So I will get out this morning and do a couple of miles to stay loose! Next week I will start this... http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Hubby and I have an anniversary next month and it's a big one. So I am hoping to be down 13 pounds by then. That would make me a very happy "slinky" self! (giggle)

Folks ask me what kind of things I eat. This morning I had 2 egg whites scrambled on a high fiber (5g) whole grain tortilla with some homemade salsa. It was yummy and keeps me satisfied for a good while. Lately for snack I have been eating a Light & Fit yogurt with 1/2 cup of frozen blackberries or raspberries, a little bit of Splenda (on the berries) and 1/4 of low fat, high fiber granola. I eat almonds and break up my two little squares of Hershey extra dark chocolate sometimes for a snack. Apples, bananas, grapefruit...I will have some piece of fruit and a cheese stick for another "snack". Lunch for me is usually a salad with grilled chicken and homemade dressing or I have a sandwich made with high fiber bread, lean meat and lots of different veg's on it. I also add things like smeared avocado rather than mayo, some olives and salad peppers. I also love a piece of baked or grilled chicken with Cajun seasoning and then a baked sweet potato for lunch. There is something about the two of those together (has to have the Cajun seasoning) that tastes really yummy to me. Dinner is tricky if I am working because I usually leave before what is considered dinner time...so I'll eat a bigger snack or some good soup and then at work around 7, I take my yogurt, fruit and granola but increase the 1/4 cup to a 1/2 cup. 5 small meals is what I shoot for each day.

If I am home for dinner I make different things but all as nutritionally lean and healthy as I can. If I make spaghetti I use ground turkey or venison. We eat Ronzoni "Smart Taste" pasta which cooks up white, is tender but high fiber. I don't eat much of it...maybe 1/2 a cup. I make sure I have salad on my plate to make up for the huge pile of pasta everyone else might be eating. I grill a lot or make things in the crock pot. I always trim away extra fat on pork loin or roast. We definitely eat more chicken/turkey than red meat. Chili is made with ground turkey and venison. I love to roast vegetables. Roasted asparagus with a little olive oil, kosher salt and black pepper is the bomb. I squirt fresh lemon juice on it before serving. I also love roasted brussel sprouts and so does my family. I do the same thing with the olive oil and cracked pepper and kosher salt. I roast them on 400 degrees for 15 or so minutes until the start browning. Those crackly little leaves are yummy. I don't use the lemon juice on brussel sprouts though.

I have a little garden in the back yard. Right now I just have brussel sprouts, cabbage and collard greens. Soon we'll start working on our spring garden. My herbs however have just been amazing. I used to have LOTS of fresh basil (until a very hard freeze) so I enjoyed making a lower fat pesto. It's great on chicken, pork and on pasta of course. I'd even add in fresh spinach. The herbs I use to make amazing marinades and rubs. I even make my own croutons when I want a carbohydrate for a salad. I chop up some 0f my favorite fresh herbs and put them in a zip bag with some kosher salt, and cracked pepper, may even some minced garlic. I add about 1 tsp. of olive oil. Then I will cube up a high fiber english muffin, or half a high fiber bagel throw it in the bag and work it until it is lightly coated in the oil/herb mixture. I put them on a sheet pan and then toast in the oven. These are awesome on a salad and because I use a high fiber product and have made them myself I know how many calories they are.

I experiment making breads using whole wheat, flax meal, ground oatmeal, etc. I have a great recipe for a whole wheat banana bread made with Splenda. Now...it's not like the real thing mind you but it's good and it's better for you. If I have that on hand I will toast a thin slice, smear it with low fat peanut butter, top with slice bananas and then drizzle it with sugar free syrup. That is really good!

You can tell...I love to cook! So I do what I do so that I can still enjoy cooking but find better ways of doing it. Just about ANYTHING can be reworked to make it healthier. The taste might be slightly different but in many ways I find it better. Doing all of this is what has helped me accomplish my goals. I try to make it as normal as possible.

The other thing is WATER! WATER!WATER! Water helps the cells move a lot of the junk they are getting rid of out of the body. Keeping the bodies cells hydrated is really important. Diet soft drinks do NOT replace water and they are actually dehydrating. Yep...I have a diet Dr. Pepper but make sure I have plenty of water throughout the day to offset that.

In a conversation I had with someone recently it felt like I was sitting in a confessional. They were rattling off all the excuses as to why they "CAN'T" or haven't done anything serious about their weight. I think they must forget that I have "sat in that chair" myself. When they kept saying "I know I am just making excuses" I should have opened up my mouth and said what I was really thinking. "At what point are you going to stop making excuses and start living the life you deserve?" Seriously...it comes down to that for me...I can either spin in circles and do nothing an go nowhere or I can just do it! Once you realise what you have been missing out on...you want more. This summer when I finally had the nerve to learn to drive that 4 wheeler at the in laws...I was pumped. That was fun! I never did it before because I thought I'd be a ridiculous fat girl jiggling around on it. So many things...and it makes me kind of sad because I could have been enjoying so much more with my kids had I not done something sooner. However...I can't change the past. I direct my future though and set my course. NO EXCUSES! They are just not going to bring any kind of satisfaction and joy.

Alrighty...I have to get my feet on the ground and walk a ways this morning!

Selfish Lady Sends...

Here's Pictures....

2010-01-18T09:27:00.006-06:00

This picture was taken at the start line. An awesome stranger came to me and told me how awesome it was what I'd accomplished. Then she asked if I was doing this alone. I told her I was and then she said..."give me your camera! I'll take your picture!" I am so happy she did because this one totally shows how happy I was. My nose is red not because of the cold but rather because of my crying spell. :)

I just don't even know where to begin....

2010-01-17T20:14:00.005-06:00

I did it! I put that goal out in front of me and I reached it! I feel unbelievably blessed and amazed.

I had a tough time sleeping last night but probably got 4-5 hours. When I got up I ate my breakfast and showered and then waited patiently for the clock to strike so my sweetheart could get me to a friends home. I rode down with a buddy from church who had reserved a parking spot in a downtown garage. He is an inspiration as he had lost 65 pounds over the last year and he ran the full Marathon.

I had all kinds of butterflies this morning but when I got to the place to line up for the start...the tears started to come. It was so exciting to be there in this huge sea of people in anticipation of the cannon and the signal to start. I knew they all had their different reasons for being there and I felt like such a champion to be among them. When they counted down and the gun went off...I don't know if my feet were on the ground. Then I had so many runners come by and pat me on the back or give me a thumbs up, or tell me congratulations! That made the moments so much more poignant.

This was truly one of the funnest things I have ever done. It was a challenge but that didn't come close to the pure fun that I was having. I ran some, walked some, and waved at the crowds who lined the streets cheering us on. It was so cool as these complete strangers reached out for a high five or would call out my name as I passed by reading it off my bib. "Come on Amy Lee...your looking good!" "Yay Amy Lee...you are almost there".

I had a great pace the whole time and finished in 3 hours 6 minutes. I had to take a 5 minute break to use the "port o potty" so I would have been there a little sooner. When you gotta go though...you gotta go :)

I decided as the finish line came into my view that I wanted to run that last mile...I think that's when the tears, almost sobs began for the final lap. So I sailed down that last mile and came to the finish line as they called out my name! I DID IT!

I couldn't have done this a year ago and everything I have put in to loving myself and working hard was worth the many moments I had today. That finish line is my starting line to infinite possibilities. I'll do it again for sure. I'll do many things now that I never dreamed I could.

I am sore, I am exhausted and I am filled with pride! I reached my Mt. Everest and I can see forever from here.

So now..I keep working on me. I still have more weight I want to lose and will be working on that. I am going to start running and so running a 5K in the next 3 months or so will be my next goal. After I run a 5K then I will actually run a half marathon.

There's no stopping me now...

Good Night All...

Selfish Lady Sends

Off to bed I go....

2010-01-16T19:16:00.002-06:00

That is after a hot bath of course. I feel full...too full and that is yucking me out a bit. I am not big on the carb loading stuff! I made red beans and brown rice for dinner. It was yummy but again...it's laying in my stomach so it might be hard to drift off for a while.

Of course I won't post again until after the race tomorrow. My clothes are layed out, alarm is set, and my prayers need to be said...lots of them.

I have gotten emails and messages of luck and they absolutely lift me up! Tomorrow is going to be a multitude of emotions for me. Words will fail me this time so I'll leave it at that!

Much Love to ALL and goodnight!

THIS Selfish Lady Sends.....

Here's a couple of pics from today! :)

2010-01-16T14:21:00.003-06:00

Here's a picture of the finish line! I should be hitting that somewhere around 10:30 AM tomorrow!

This is the finisher shirt on the mannequin that we'll get when we cross the finish. A medal is given as well! :) And my bib with my name and my lucky number...33083! I just decided it was lucky!

Lastly...I am a big enough nerd to show my funky toes! I got the butterfly to make me extra light on my feet. LOL

So I think I have it all ready for tomorrow. I changed my ipod to a "My Marathon" play list only. I was telling my daughter that I have certain songs on there that will forever remind me of those days on the treadmill back last winter when they pushed me through hard moments. I remember dancing literally...well kind of on the treadmill to Lady Gaga's "Just Dance". I only did that of course when no one else was in our little gym. I bet you didn't know you can really get down and bust a move on a treadmill did you? I am living proof! It's probably a good thing I didn't fly off and go through the wall. I always feared that might happen like a bad movie. Other songs just hit my soul and others remind me of Kent and Kelley and Katie and Logan and my little Jellybean Justin. I carry them in my heart as I do this tomorrow. I love them all so much and they have helped me through so much by cheering me on...being interested in how I was doing and watching for that "magic number" to change daily on the dry erase board. Logan has this fun way of wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me and telling me how much he loves his new skinny Mom. They have all been amazing! Justin was looking on here the other day and saw my before and after pictures and wanted to know when "I got little". Any COLDPLAY songs that pop up on my ipod remind me of my special night out with the girls to see them in concert. I had a blast and am so grateful that I felt comfortable enough in my own skin finally to really enjoy myself with them.

They all will be with me tomorrow every step I take! I did this for me but I did it for them. I want to be here a really long time to live, laugh and love with them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHAEoSsr4lw&NR=1&feature=fvwp

I wonder how many times I post today.

2010-01-16T10:07:00.002-06:00

I guess that will depend how badly I want to wrestle the four year old away from Nick Jr. com, huh?

I am impatiently waiting for my husband to get out of the shower so we can go downtown to the Health and Fitness Expo where I will pick up my packet/bib! I have butterflies like crazy this morning. Uggg. I think it's going to become even more real when we get down there today and I set the finish line already set up and have that bib with my name and number on it in hand. WOW

Last night I came out to my car after work only to discover a dozen roses and a card waiting for me from my husband! Can I just say...the guy melts me! He just wanted to remind me how much he loves me and how proud he is of me. Once again...I am such a lucky girl!

Today is my last day to carb load. I had a bowl of high fiber oatmeal, with a tablespoon of flax meal and 1/2 cup of Kashi granola on it. I washed it down with a glass of lowfat milk and a banana. It was probably 400 calories and I don't ever eat that much at one sitting usually unless it's dinner but today...I'll make an exception. Last time I walked 13 miles I burned way more than 1000 calories so pretty much anything I eat today will get burned off tomorrow. I still will eat my same ol' healthier stuff today but with more carbs than I am used to eating along with even more water. Whatever I do nutrition and hydration wise today will set the stage for me in the morning.

I hear him coming...yay! Out the door we go.

I have been thinking....

2010-01-15T16:09:00.002-06:00

and that's always dangerous in Amy's world. I have been thinking about the pictures I have over the years of my children strategically planted in front of me to hide my fat self. I am one who ran from the camera, held up my hand to hide my face because of my shame. Now, I don't hide at all and that amazes me. I finally love who I am. The different body is great but I LOVE WHO I HAVE BECOME...way beyond the physical appearance. I think you can love yourself at any size. I think it's just the fact that I finally believe in myself and that is what I see when I look at pictures of me now. I see a girl who is confident and has so much more faith in herself that she ever did before.

With all my heart I believe that we all have it in us...ALL OF US! You just have to hang on for dear life sometimes and become "selfish" about saving it!

Off to work I go...(in a Deli of all places!)

Selfish Lady Sends..........

The temperature is rising for Sunday....

2010-01-15T08:52:00.002-06:00

I had it all figured out what I was going to wear based on a cooler start. Now the trend for the weather on Sunday is rising temps. I hate being cold but don't want to be miserably hot as I warm up and so does the temperature. Hmmmmmmmmm....I may have to re-think this.

I bought an inexpensive digital camera yesterday so I can get lots of shots of all the fun. I am so excited! Seriously over the top excited! Did I mention how excited I am? LOL

Tomorrow we go to pick up my packet that will contain my "bib" in it! Goose bumps! Seriously! :)

2 days now and a wake up! Yahooooooooooooooo

Selfish Lady Sends....

Here's a peek at my shirt!

2010-01-14T09:52:00.002-06:00

This is what I want to hear as I cross that finish line...

2010-01-12T13:29:00.003-06:00

I've been waiting for my dreams

To turn into something

I could believe in

And looking for that magic rainbow

On the horizon

I couldn't see it until I let go

Gave into love

And watched all the bitterness burn

Now I'm coming alive

Body and Soul

And feelin' my world start to turn

And I'll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time

To be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

Holding on to things that vanished

Into the air

Left me in pieces

But now I'm rising from the ashes

Finding my wings

And all that I needed was there all along

Within my reach

As close at the beat of my heart

And I'll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

The time of my life

And I'm out on the edge of forever

Ready to run

Keeping my feet on the ground

Arms open wide,

Face to the sun

And I'll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time,

This is the time of my life, my life

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time,

This is the time of my life,

This is the time of my life,

The time of my life....

Time of my life.

Wanna know what I did today?????

2010-01-11T14:57:00.002-06:00

Made myself a fleece headband and some mittens.I have been unable to find any I guess no one thinks it's cold here in Houston. It was only 22 this morning. They were cheap to make not too terribly unfashionable and I can toss them along my way Sunday if I get too hot and don't need them anymore. I went and bought a white long sleeve shirt to wear under my race shirt and also got a compact belt to carry my shot blocks and gel for the race. I want to have something handy if my energy starts to wain. I think I am all set. I even got a copy via email of the logo going on my t-shirt! I wish I could post it on here but darn adobe won't let me. I will post a picture of it when I pick it up...hopefully tomorrow!

Man...just getting giddier (?sp) as the days go by. I even sat here and watched other folks video footage on YouTube of last years marathon/half marathon to get an idea of what I am looking at. I was happy to see that there are indeed walkers and folks of all shapes and sizes!

Yep! It's getting harder by the day to contain my excitement! Someone hold my feet to the ground! Please!

A week from today....

2010-01-10T13:36:00.003-06:00

I will be recovering! Woo Hoo!

I seriously feel like I did when I was a little girl the night before Christmas. I didn't imagine I would have all the excitement, butterflies and energy of heart that I have about this! I was talking to a friend today with whom I'll be riding downtown with to the starting line. Just talking about the logistics of that morning gave me chills. It's becoming very real to me.

I don't think I can put in to words the intense feelings I have about this. It is so hard to explain but for most of my life I have thought in terms of "them" and "me". I looked at the group of people who worked hard to accomplish things like this and set myself aside and said "that will never be me". I thought I couldn't do this, I have thought I couldn't do a lot of things. So now I am just so overwhelmed with emotions and pride and gratitude to a very loving family, and Father in Heaven who have lifted me up and beyond my inabilities. I have on my play list the Whitney Houston song..."I Didn't Know My Own Strength" and when I am walking for miles and it comes on...it washes over me. I didn't know I had it in me but it was there all along. I am so glad I found it. It has never been about being a size 8, or wanting to be as "thin as my high school days" because frankly now I am smaller. It has been about discovering me and changing me for the better. It's about climbing mountains, or moving them or doing whatever I set my heart on because nothing is impossible. Nothing is impossible for me or for anyone else. HARD....oh HELL YES! Impossible....no.

So I walk just a few miles a day in preparation for the Half Marathon and it gives me time to think about "what's next." I said I am the golden scissors as the ribbon cutting ceremony and the finish line next Sunday is just the "grand opening" to my possibilities. I have decided to do the couch to 5K next. Now I haven't been on the couch by any means but I don't run and waffle back and forth on that. I'd like to try this program and start running and then choose a 5K to run. Next year I plan to run, not walk the Houston Aramco Half Marathon. I may even find another half to do before then. Maybe if I am ready I can hit my cousin up and do one with her in the early fall. (Clare if your reading this! wink!wink!)

Thank you a thousand times over to all my dear friends who pop in and read my random thoughts. I love all of you and appreciate the support be it silent or written. Please keep a little prayer in your heart for me next Sunday that all will go well and pray that I won't flood the streets of Houston with tears of JOY!

A countdown begins.....

2010-01-06T10:21:00.002-06:00

Until race day....January 17Th and I am siked! I got my confirmation email yesterday with my bib number and I got all teary eyed! It's becoming very real to me! Even as I type this I giggle and then get teary eyed! I am going to do this! Wow! I just never dreamed!

I tie dyed a shirt yesterday. It's peacock pink and sunflower yellow and this morning I dropped it off at a graphics place. I am having it fixed up for my race. The front of the shirt will read...."Half Marathon Virgin". The back of the shirt will read...."1 year ago and over 100 lbs. I never dreamed I'd have THIS moment..." It made me teary getting that all taken care of. I fear I may cry the entire marathon...what a site that will be!

Lately I have been playing catch up...with my walks and in my eating, etc. These two weeks leading up to the race are critical that I am ready, rested and have fed myself well. Next week I'll have to work on loading up on more carbs so that I have plenty of energy. I have my concerns about exactly what I should eat on the morning of... but I'll figure all that out. I don't like drinking too much because that makes me have to go to the bathroom and that is distracting. I know they'll have stations along the way where I can grab water or Gatorade if I need it. I hope it's not freezing cold...40's...please...that would be nice.

I was asked to write an article for a health and fitness magazine. It's supposed to be in the Feb. issue. I had my reservations about doing it because I don't consider myself a "buff" girl or having perfected my body. I said yes, then no, then agreed to do it but gave them the option not to use the article. So we'll see. It was a struggle to write because it had to be about 600 words and I am NOT the queen of "short on words". ha!ha! I left many of the details out.

What a huge struggle this has been...continues to be...but I am in it 100% no matter my mess ups, gains, losses, stumbles. I am committed to living a happy life and enjoying the amazing changes that have come as a result of all this hard work I have done.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Oh what fun...

Thoughts....

2009-12-15T22:29:00.003-06:00

I was laying next to a very grumpy 4 year old tonight as he tried to go to sleep. While musing the whole situation with him and his "attitude" I had a few thoughts of my own. He is such a stubborn kid and very impetuous like someone else I know. Gee, wonder where he gets all of that from??

I let my mind wander back to days probably in early January or February of last year when I was out walking and it was so hard to keep going. I remember when I thought 2 miles was amazing! Shoot, 30 minutes was amazing! It wasn't easy but it was challenging and I was doing it. I pushed through what was hard for me. Now I am at this spot that I am struggling with and was picturing myself standing in front of a huge black wall...It is THAT which keeps me from moving ahead and somehow, someway...I have got to find that "girl"...the stubborn, impetuous girl and tell her to kick that sucker out of the way...because I have things to be doing. I don't have time to be stuck in this mire I am in. I am not giving up...I am not! That half marathon in January is going to be unbelievably hard now because I just did an absolute "stand still" but the "old Amy" would say..."give up...you can't make it." I know I CAN! I may be dragging my ass across that finish line and the only faces I'll see are the ones I treasure the most left at that crossing...but I am going to finish and I am NOT GIVING UP! I am doing this. Screw the "t-shirt"...it's about finishing the race I started.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Floating on my back...

2009-12-10T15:40:00.002-06:00

...in the ocean...looking at the stars feeling very lost. That's how I feel lately. The motions gently pick me up and down but I am drifting and not really going anywhere but the water creeps over my face sometimes and it startles me and I feel I might drown. I tell my husband the "mist" is at my door. That green, glowing scariness that has found it's way to the threshold of my life at times has returned and I feel overwhelmed. This one is a doozy. Depression is an evil thing and I wish so many times that it had a physical form so I could face it, stare it down, stab it, beat it and destroy it. It doesn't work that way unfortunately. I have to go through the motions of my every day existence and pretend to be okay when it seems those moments of utter failure sweep over me more and more often and I feel so alone. My only saving grace is that I know this passes...it always does but then I wonder how much damage I do to myself while I am waiting for that to happen...just how much self destruction emotionally and then physically (because eating well and exercising are so far off my radar) will I do while this thing is here.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.........if only there were magic pill. Something to take and make it all better and make life amazing and "centered" all the time. That's not the case...this is my "cross" and always has been. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who is a light in my darkness who is a patient man when life is sucking me under. I don't wish he really understood because that would mean that he too has some taste of this but yet...if only he knew the great pain in my heart at times that I wish I could just give away and never have back.

Putting it out there....

2009-12-05T09:46:00.002-06:00

As we lay down the other night my sweet husband asked me how I was doing on my half marathon training. I told him it was slow...BIG understatement. I then proceeded to tearfully pour out my heart to him. I think I am a bit burnt out and wishing that I could just be this person right now and be done with this battle. I am so tired of fighting. I wish I could be this weight, wear what I want to and cook what I want to and bake and do all those things I love without this weight loss battle being the center of my universe as it has been the past year. I have people tell me I inspire them, I am their hero...etc...etc...etc... I don't want to be any of that. I just want to be AMY. I just want to be the girl I have always been...me. I don't want my life to be all about this anymore BUT...there are somethings in this world we aren't given a choice about...and the "battle of the bulge" is one that I was dealt by genetics, or whatever...but it's NOT going away ever no matter how thin I get. I am trying to muddle through finding some compromise...a place where I can exist and stay here but not be so constantly overwhelmed with trying so hard. There is just no way around the fact that I have to exercise regularly or my body suffers. I have gained some of my weight back and my 12's are tight! I told a friend of mine that I will go naked before I buy a larger size. I am just NOT going to do it. I also have to continue to eat right. There are parts of me still that I don't mind the few pounds I gained because it beats the sagging skin...like I have some boobs now...sorta...and a butt...but not diggin' the little muffin top thing! Where is that magic wand? Don't I wish I could say..."okay fat...fill in a little here but not there...and oh yeah..over here but stay away from there." LOL

This time is still so different than any other time in my life because I am not a fat girl anymore...don't feel like one and refuse to go back there. I just need to remind my hand of that when it picks up things and goes searching for my mouth. Ha!Ha!

Selfish Lady Sends.............

Struggling Along

2009-11-18T10:27:00.002-06:00

I have been floundering and looking for a reason. It's like standing in a giant, empty whare house that echos calling out..."reason....reason....where are you?" "I have to find you so I can get back on track". I was sitting here earlier and of course so many things go through my head constantly but something just filled me up with strength and pushed me out the door. I feel 100% just because I got out and did what I needed to do even though I didn't feel like it. I will admit...I woke up and dressed for it as I always do but I was hedging a little. I went for a good walk and actually ran quite a bit. I was amazed at the ease with which I could run. The only issue I was having was with my pants falling off. They slide off every time I run and it gets distracting. I am going to have to find something that actually stays on me...either that or some duct tape.

I understand now and believe that goals are important. Once you reach one...you have to grab hold of another no matter what it is. I have been really satisfied with my weight loss and so let up on myself ALOT. The consequence of that is that I have gained honestly...like 8 pounds. I still fit in my size 12's but they are snug and I don't like that. I also have my half marathon in 2 months and so 8 pounds is not going to make me lighter on my feet by any means. Before I had this number...and then I got to this size that I really love. I love being a 12...not a chubby 12 but a "clothes fit well" 12. I am built in such a way that my large frame and a size 12 are a perfect match. Satisfaction however has gotten the best of me though so I need to whip my ass back in shape a bit.

So I set a goal by February to lose 13 pounds. That will put me under my "happy weight" but set me up well for my half marathon in January. It also gives me something to focus on. Kent and I are also going to do something fun with just us for our anniversary and perhaps it'll make just that much "hotter" for him. ha!ha!

This "place" I am at right now is that scary place I have been before...over and over but NOT giving in to it. I am going to let my strength over take my weakness.

Selfish Lady Sends......

Candles and A Bubble Bath

2009-11-12T14:43:00.003-06:00

What a lucky girl I am. Do I say that enough? I got to cuddle Justin last night. I am grateful for the nights he lets me because on the nights I have to work I miss out on those little snuggles. I must have fallen asleep and woke up to someone tugging on my leg. Kent woke me up and when I came downstairs and in our room I smelled the distinct smell of burned matches. I didn't see any lit candles in our room but soon found a bathtub filled with hot water and candles all set up for me. What a great guy! After a day of baking all day long. (114 cupcakes, coconut cream pie and 3 homemade whole wheat pizzas) I was wiped out tired! He's a keeper!

By the way...cupcakes went to my daughter's school for a dinner-fund raiser, the coconut cream pie went to a friend and the pizza was for our family! It was really good pizza too if I don't say so myself! :)

Selfish Lady Sends...

Yes...yesterday WAS good!

2009-11-11T09:32:00.002-06:00

Now to move on today.

When I opened up my blog the song "Amazed" was playing. That is "our" song. Kent's and mine. That is actually the song that I walked out to when we were married. Logan was only 2 and he pulled me out of the room where I was waiting to come out when it was time. I have sweet memories of that day! It is awesome to still be completely melted by the one you love and to have each day get better and better. Sigh.... I am such a sap!

I am baking 8 dozen cupcakes today! How's that for a health conscience persons nightmare! It's my contribution to my daughter's spaghetti supper at school for the band. It's their big fund raiser. I have to work tomorrow night so it's the least I can do. I am making 2 doz. lemon, 4 doz chocolate, and 2 doz. vanilla cream.

Is it awful to say that I am not completely upset with the few pounds I gained? I just wish I could distribute it better. I love that I have a little back in my boobs! Check! Filled in some of that awful saggy skin on the butt! Check! I just don't like it at my waist...it's just a little bit...nothing major. 5 pounds now makes a huge difference though...on my smaller body. I told my daughter that I am at this happy weight and hate the skin so if it's filled in some it doesn't hurt my feelings so much. I have no idea when the day will come that I can afford plastic surgery but I definitely look forward to it. There are some things I just don't know which I'd rather have...loose skin or fat... Okay...I know I'd take the skin but it's just well...I can't stand it honestly. I go up the stairs and I can hear my arms flap at my sides, or if I don't have a bra on...I hear my boobs flap, or my legs. This happens when I run. I hear it...I am sure no one else does but it's embarrassing.

Oh well, baby steps. This is all part of the process. Good and bad. Forgive my candor on here but I am all about "reality"!

Selfish Lady Sends........

Today...so far, so good...

2009-11-10T12:37:00.002-06:00

There have been too many bad days lately so I am cheering today for a GOOD day and telling myself it better stay that way. I also had a great walk this morning. Fortunately my hip didn't bother me too much. I stretched out pretty good before hand so I think that helped out.

Lately I have been having silly thoughts. The holiday party for my husbands work should be coming up next month and I am actually excited at the prospect of going. I was looking online at "little black dresses" and daydreaming of black heels. I can actually go and buy a dress off the rack in the regular department and that amazes me. The picture I posted yesterday or day before was a Christmas party for his work I believe so very long ago. (2000 maybe) I think I found a "stretch velvet" skirt at Walmart in size extra-extra-extra big and hoped it fit. I borrowed jewelery from friends and did all I could but still felt so diminished on the arm of the man that I adore. It is so sad to feel humiliated to be "yourself" but that is how I felt for years. I am blessed to have the partner, love and best friend in the world that I do in my husband. He has loved me above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He has never, ever made me feel "less than". He has done all he could to make me feel loved and wanted and desired but I can't help how I have felt about myself. I have missed out on opportunities to see him advance in rank because I didn't want to go to his work. I was ashamed to be seen as his wife. I felt like I have this amazing person in him and he just deserved better than he had in me but I couldn't get my crap together. Now...I just want to loop my arm in his and say " Hey, here I am... I am Kent's girl". My feelings of course were all about me...not about him. Those feelings started long before he ever became part of my life and I am sorry that I have felt that way but it's a reality. Now he has this wild and crazy woman to deal with who can't get enough of him or life itself! :) He probably wonders where I have been! (giggle!)

There are ugly memories I have and I don't want to keep them fresh in my mind yet they keep me grounded. Sometimes when I am being really stupid I wonder how I can continue not doing what I know I should when I have these dark stories in my past. The truth is...I have no answer for that. I just know that I now have an attitude of not letting anything overcome or destroy or direct me. It is what it is...acknowledge it's presence deal with it and move on.

My personality has not changed as some may think it has. I just show it now instead of hiding it. So if folks are scratching their heads going..."who is this?"...Well, this is who I am. I have always had a nutty, loud, dance around the room, irreverent, crazy, shoot from the hip personality. There are so many things I have wanted to do with my life/in my life but didn't because "whatever" said I shouldn't. I'll have no more of that! I will stand at the end of my life knowing I lived it! I decided what was best for me and made my own choices. I am a butterfly! Butterflies are free to fly! I have lots of flying to do. I am blessed with an amazing children and an amazing husband who can explore life with! My journey is not all about how much weight I can take off! It's about knowing who I truly am, learning more of my Saviour and trying to be more Christlike in my dealings with others and myself. I want to be a better person.

Gentle Reminders...

2009-11-08T17:41:00.002-06:00

Sometimes digging through all drawers I come across something that "shocks" me. This picture would be one of them. It's a reminder to me of where I have been and where I don't want to be. I remember the night very well too. I remember the struggle to find something to wear that didn't make look fat and the hope that I wouldn't look "too awful". Looking in the mirror I had the sinking feeling that no matter what I put on I just wasn't good enough and I hated that feeling. I can't believe that I even posed for pictures and REALLY can't believe we paid for them. I am glad I have them now because they tell me that I HAVE COME A LONG WAY! It also helps me to acknowledge the changes I have made in how I see myself. Sometimes when I look in the mirror...I see the girl in this picture and by that I mean...I see my imperfections. After all this...Wow! I don't have a perfect body! Who'd have thunk! It'll never be but that's okay. I am struggling lately with trying to find a balance with home/work (new job) and being okay with my new body and continuing on my journey. It is really hard and a challenge moment by moment. As I have said before...there is no "finish line"...I will never be there. I am a work in progress and from here until there is no breath left in me...the point must be that I am making "progress" and moving ahead in my journey. I pick myself up...dust off when I fall...and move along. I believe in others...I must continue to believe in me.

Selfish Lady Sends.....

My Mojo....Where's my "Mojo"

2009-11-08T13:23:00.002-06:00

If you see it...can you send it home please! It seems to be missing! I need it back!

Pink, Pinkity Pink!

2009-10-22T14:56:00.003-05:00

That be my hair! I dyed it for fun! Self expression...whatever YOU WANT TO CALL IT! I was feeling my "inner wild child" so I took it out on my hair. Notice I don't have much hair left and that is because it has been wacked off! I have lost so much hair that my once head of thick, full hair is no longer. In my effort to manage it and attempt to slow down the loss I cut it short! It has helped some but not as much as I would like. I don't know if the loss is due to my weight loss, or what but it has been significant and I hope it stops!

Anyway...I wanted to do something crazy...and this is my "way". I could get crazier but I'll left at this...for now! You never know what I'll do..."cuz I'm cool like that! :)

Seriously...I have waited my entire life to just do whatever the heck I want to...and here I am. Why at the age of 43 years old have I finally give myself permission to be free to do some things is beyond me. Those who love me can take or leave it! That's where I stand on the matter!

New Shoes and Pushing On

2009-10-21T12:04:00.003-05:00

I have come to believe this journey is almost like a current in the ocean. Sometimes you have to decide to either kill yourself trying to swim against it or just stop for a moment and go with it. It all goes back to what my friend/councilor Arty told me back in Cape Cod. He told me to acknowledge things instead of pushing them away constantly. Pushing things away and fighting them seems to make them stronger and more powerful. It's the power of resistance. So I have had a couple of crappy weeks and I sit here and admit that I have gained 5 pounds because I just have been letting the current take me and honestly...it has been easier than fighting it. The cool thing is that I KNOW that I am not defeated in that. Before....5 pounds meant 10, meant 20, meant I GIVE UP...HOPE IS LOST....because I was so busy fighting the current or whatever this mysterious "thing" is that I can't see I am fighting. There is no point in that. It is whatever is...and I have decided there will be these moments like this. I have to let them be there, acknowledge them, and then move on.

I was walking the other day and thinking about "The Biggest Loser" and how Jillian gets in people's faces sometimes and tries to dig down as to why they do some of the things they do. Now I am not a million dollar trainer, or councilor or anything else for that matter. So my thoughts on this are just the thoughts of a former fat girl...so take them for what they are worth. I do believe we don't always HAVE a reason. We just do it ... BECAUSE. Doesn't that sound like a child? "Why do you do that?" ...."I don't know?.....just because!" I remember being a little girl and being asked why I was moody. I didn't have a reason for my mood other than being in a thoughtful state of mind at the time. In my mind it wasn't a bad thing but I guess to others perhaps my sudden change to sullen and quiet meant "something was wrong" when in reality that was far from the truth. When I was challenged on "what I had done" or "why I was in such a mood" I would finally just come up with whatever excuse to satisfy the asker. It wasn't really the reason, it just made the person inquiring stop asking. I feel this way about this "BECAUSE" now....perhaps there is not really a reason that is deep and dark and mysterious. I may eat at times things I am not supposed to because I want to, or I feel like it, or I am in a munchie mood. If that is how it is...then okay. I am not saying that I don't want to control this. I am saying that I don't want to beat myself up and throw away everything I have worked for because of it. So I am acknowledging my screw ups. I suck sometimes! But it's okay...I have done amazing things and will continue...and I believe in myself now and love what I do. I love my walking and my exercising and all the feelings it gives me. So I accept my little "bad times" because I am not defeated in any way by them. I am fueled.

I am fueled enough to spend way to much on new shoes. Crazy expensive! I am so excited though to NOT have aching arches and shin splints! My half marathon is 3 months away now and so much to do in preparation for that. I need the shoes to get them broken in for that. The old ones I have have seen me through how many pounds? I think they were worth every penny! I just can't argue with that. Many, many miles were put on those lucky shoes!

I am blessed. There are absolutely now words to describe how I feel. I mentioned a while back the feeling of the wind right before a storm lifting me up and pushing me on. If I could just give you that visual and tell you to close your eyes and feel that wrapping around you and lifting up and giving you the power to go on. That's how I feel so many times. I know it comes from deep down inside me, it comes from the love of my family but it comes from my loving Savior who I know watches over me. I know he knows me, he knows my battles, my weaknesses, my strengths. He knows the whole story in the book of my life and yet he loves me. I am learning to find that same Christlike love for myself.

Lastly...for my sweet husband who I know will be nosey and read this. He always does...
Thank you... You know that as far as I am concerned...you hung the moon, and the stars. You are my best friend and stand by me through it all. I absolutely love being wild and crazy with you. I don't know how it is...the older we get...the wild and crazier we get! Ha!Ha! I guess that means it can only get better! :) How cool is that? Just wanted to remind you...as if you really needed it...that I love you and I am grateful for all you do for me and our family! You're Amazing!

There is NO FINISH LINE.....

2009-10-06T11:33:00.004-05:00

It's been a crazy 10 days. I had a stomach bug and it made me feel all kinds of yuck. Then Friday I decided to go for a walk. My intention was to do about 4 or 5 miles and then go to the gym. I ended up doing 10.36 miles because I just felt like I could. I don't usually have days like that. My long walks are planned. I have water, and provisions and I allow myself the time, etc. The one walk just sort of "turned out that way" and it felt wonderful. It made me realize that my half marathon will be absolutely doable. If I had the time I could have done another 3 miles on that Friday and actually done that half right then and there but I needed to finish to get J from school. Then the not so fun hormonal adventures begin which I notice every month throw me for a huge loop. It's like clock work. I seem to fall apart at the same time every month and this one is no exception. I feel like one giant zit, and I don't feel well, not eating well, not exercising well...and crumbling. SUCKS!

Today I decided to pull myself up by my boot straps and go for a walk to my "thinking spot" before I headed off to the gym. I needed to collect myself and though I don't feel that great I knew I needed to push myself. This whole journey has been about pushing myself beyond the limits of what is comfortable sometimes. It was one of those days and I needed the pushing. I was out amongst the trees and the squirrels and the lake and just doing my thing thinking like I do. Sometimes I feel like I wrestle with a great Russian bear. There are other times I picture myself trying to grab bubbles that are floating around me...I can see them and though they are "tangible" I just can't quite get them and if I do...they are fragile and can pop if I'm not careful.
I understand now that there is no finish line. There is no end to this and I think in some small way I am struggling with that. I am trying to find a comfortable place to be where I can not push myself quite so hard but still be where I am at. There is one voice that says I should push myself to still hit that BMI mark of 25 because that is a goal I set for myself and I should at least finish that goal. HUGE part of me says yeah I should but other part of me says...WHY? I am really happy with the size I am other than the stupid skin which I loathe...and if I pushed myself to get to that weight, it would only be to say..."okay I did it" and then I'd want to get back to where I am comfortable which is where I am right now. So it makes no sense at all to do that. It's like I am having to learn how to be able to decide that it's okay to adjust my goals and be happy with them even if they are not as extreme as I thought they were going to be in the first place.

I have had this bad 10 days and the scale has finally shown it. I could rationalize it and say it's because I have a "visitor" but I know what I have eaten AND I know that I have not exercised to my usual the past 10 days. So my visitor is NOT the problem. I have to step it back up to push that back down a notch and put it back in it's place.

I decided started tomorrow just for giggles I think I will actually record my weight on here and do my food diary until I get bored with it! LOL Sometimes it helps to journal and keep track of food intake to re-evaluate what's going on.

Someone recently said to me that they had no idea that I ever had any "down" times with all of this. They thought it was smooth sailing all the time. I had to laugh at that. I fight this just like any one else does and by no means is it easy. My scale can creep up 3 pounds and back down and I can have good days, weeks...and then really bad ones. I hope that none of my dear friends ever look at me and think I was some how propelled straight forward because that would be so far from the truth. I am sure there is plenty of dirt in my nails where I have had to claw and dig my way through the trenches. Coming to the understanding that it won't ever be over is huge for me now. I can't ignore it...push it to the side or say "I'm there" because I'll never be "there". There is no "there" to be. There just isn't this magic line to cross over and say "I'm done". I can enjoy, and find happiness and peace but have a sense of awareness that I must always be in charge of my life, my body and my health. The only way to do that is to know what is going on constantly and continue the huge life changes I have made. There IS NO FINISH LINE!

Such a difference

2009-09-24T19:48:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it's hard to see just how much I have changed unless I can put these images side by side. So I thought I would do that for you. What a difference, huh?

Lately, I have enjoyed walking with a friend who has been working on making some changes in her life. We went to the store together and I showed her some "good things" that might help her on her journey. I am so happy to be given that opportunity because I want to help and I want to share what I know. This is the greatest gift I have given myself...and I just want to pass it along.
It's too amazing not too. :)

I am tickled now...

2009-09-18T11:38:00.002-05:00

I spent time with a trainer today. I got my "body" age done and I have the body of a 37 year old! Not bad, huh? The bigger deal for me is...I am now only 20.2 % body fat! woo hoo! I am like .7% away from what is considered "excellent" for body fat composition! Go Amy...Go Amy...it's your birthday! It's your birthday! Just kidding! That seriously makes me happy! But really, she was using calipers and was measuring me and said...uh..."there is really not that much there."

So we are going to work on building my body and increasing my muscle mass. Now that I have these very few last pounds to go there is just a transition that will be taking place. I took my book to her where I have been writing down what I eat. She said I eat great but recommended that I eat more complex carbs instead of cereal and bread. Oatmeal is a better choice instead of cold cereal. Brown rice is better than a high fiber pasta because of the processing. Even bread...though high fiber...has still been processed quite a bit which makes sense. Egg whites, 3 or 4 of them too should be added. I eat egg whites...but not that many in the mornings so I will be eating a pile I guess! Ha!Ha! I suppose for muscle building I will be looking at more protein and less carbs. I will have to have some though because of my training for the half marathon. I starve if I don't some. I'll just to make sure that what I do eat is very complex in nature...GOOD CARBS!

Someday, when I am RICH....or get a lucky break...or am crazy enough to go in to debt for it, I'll get my surgery to take off all the extra skin and fix the damage I have done through years of being fat. It's hard to not be really angry with myself but ANGER will not change anything. It doesn't erase stretch marks, make loose skin retract, boobs inflate, etc. It just doesn't happen that way. The only thing I can do is work really hard on the body and muscles underneath and when it's time for that happen...I'll be in great shape and the transformation is going to be magical.

Keep on rockin'

Selfish Lady Sends...

It gets better...everyday..

2009-09-15T11:21:00.002-05:00

Thank goodness. The fog is lifting.

173 pounds now. I have now lost 113 pounds since Nov. 2008. I sat down and wrote out my goals the other day and one of them included losing the last 10 pounds which will put me at 165. I guess if I am at 173, I only have 8 to lose now for that goal.

I am trying to walk 20 miles a week. This week I have gotten up at 5 in the morning and getting about 4.5 miles in before the kids get up. It's very magical to walk under the stars and moon. I get spooked at times but love being out then before the world "awakens".

I talked to a trainer at the gym and am going to set up a meeting with her to "re-evaluate" where I am at. I am looking forward to that. I'll find out where I am at as far as body fat goes. She uses calipers which I think is a better test than that machine they used the first time. I like this trainer much better. She did ask me to write down EVERY thing I eat because she wants to have an idea of how she can help me tweek my eating habits to help me reach my goals. Of course my main goals now are these regarding my health and fitness....

Lose rest of weight to get to 165 lbs. (so now 8 more pounds)

Shape, define muscle mass and build muscle.

Train for half marathon.

Walk 20 miles a week and gym 3 x's week doing weights, and abs/core concentration.

Funny, now that I am back on track eating like I normally do, I have discovered that I really don't eat that many calories. It averages less that 1400 a day. Factor in to that my exercise...there is a huge deficit. I eat very well, and plenty...I just don't super high calorie foods...

I have also discovered something fun and yummy. It's what I call "Snack Soups!" Lately I have been taking my left over roasted vegetables and making soup with them. The other night it was a mixture of sweet potato and carrot. Last night I made roasted cauliflower so with the leftovers I made soup. It's all basically done the same way. I sweat down some onion and garlic in a pan that has been sprayed with olive oil flavored cooking spray. Then I add in my roasted vegetables along with chicken stock and kosher salt and course black pepper. I let it cook just a little bit but not too long because I don't want the veg's to lose their nutrients. Then I add in about 1/2 a cup of non-fat, evaporated milk. I put it in a blender and puree' it. It makes a yummy cream soup. I can eat a cup of that and it's 75 calories or LESS and is full of vegetables. The cauliflower one I actually added a small piece of lean ham to from our dinner. I did a spinach soup the same way on Saturday and added a piece of crispy turkey bacon for flavoring and it was yummy. Just a super easy way to get vegetables in. I make enough for a couple of servings and put it in the fridge. Asparagus will be NEXT on the list....yummers....

Have a great day!

Selfish lady sends...

Just wanted to proudly share a pic or two!

2009-09-10T21:26:00.003-05:00

Finally have my T-shirts! Hoorah! Can't wait to put them on and walk in to the sunset for miles and miles!

Selfish Lady Sends......

Digging my way out...

2009-09-10T12:07:00.005-05:00

Last night I felt like I had been hit by a train and honestly I probably looked it. I did something I haven't done in forever and that is took a bubble bath by candlelight. I needed the time to just sit alone and ponder all the jumbled up things going on in my head and heart right now. It was actually really good for me because I had some provoking thoughts that are helping me see clearer today. I wanted to record those thoughts so later when I am "freaking out" I can read them and try to use them to center myself.

One of the biggest things that really came to me last night was this....
I am here RIGHT NOW! I will NOT be controlled by my past. The only thing I can control is this moment which shapes my future.

There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what has gone on in my past. So I can either let it either eat me alive and destroy me or I can just let it be the past. It's the right now...here, this very second, me...who I am NOW...I have control over that. When I first started blogging I said I was the captain of this ship...I guess I forgot, I am STILL very much the CAPTAIN of this ship.

Another thing that really hit me was telling my daughter how different it felt "this time." I told her that I knew like I never knew before that I was going to make it. It's because it has all felt so different. I still feel that way and I need remember that feeling when I am crumbling at times. I have got to go back in my memory banks and pull out those moments where I am feeling high on energy and courage.

Then there is the knowledge that no one will ever be able to love me as much as I need to love me. I am NOT going to let go of me and let myself down. I am wrapping my heart and my thoughts around ME and hanging on for dear life because I deserve this. It means everything to me and this time...I know I will make it and it will last.

Constructively I tried to sit and figure out the when and the wheres. What happened and when it happened that tripped me up. Since mid-July I have been off and struggled. I struggle with habits and so my little routines that I had got interrupted by a trip during that time, and then the battery on my scale died. No, I didn't replace the battery...I just was using the "old fashioned" type of scale but it wasn't giving me the exact weight...and for me....it's a mental thing but I need to know what I weigh down to the ounces. So I stopped even writing on my dry erase board on the kitchen where my kids...my cheerleaders could see. It wasn't because I was gaining...just because my enthusiasm was frustrated.

So...after I figured out the scale issue which I know isn't rocket science for some but it's a big deal for me, I bought a new battery. So now I know exactly what I weigh again...to the ounce. I can now start posting it on my board in the kitchen for the kids to see. I will try now to get back to some of the exact routines I have had to eliminate some of this stress I feel.

I do need to go to the Dr. I am certain that my barely low thyroid that I refused to take the meds for is messing with me also and I will probably have to give in on that. Hopefully, the combination of my little internal "discoveries" and that will put me in the right frame of mind to keep moving forward.

It is a roller coaster...but one I am determined to stay the distance on. There is absolutely NO WAY I am going to let myself down this time.... I think I am just that mad that I have enough fight in me to do it. :)
Selfish Lady Sends.....

Editing in...for an "Oh Yeah"....
I wanted to add something that dawned on me too! I have been really beating myself up a little about this running thing. I don't know where I got it in my head that people that run are better than people that walk. I was saying I "want to be a runner" but honestly...is that really what I want? I think I say that because in my head I think they are superior or something. Reality is..for me...I LOVE to walk! I could walk 20 miles probably...not easily but I could do it. It is my "thing", my pace, my enjoyment. I decided to do this marathon as a walker, never a runner. I never intended on having some "time" in my head that I was going to beat or even pursue. It was all about finishing no matter what and that is what I am going to do. I am a walker and I am going to keep doing what I love doing and what has helped me lose 112 pounds. So no more stressin' myself out about that either.

Tonight is the "Kick Off" party for the Chevron Houston Marathon/Aramco Half Marathon and I am going. I am so excited to feel the spirit of the event. I just got all tingling typing that! Ha!Ha! I am even going to get a free "in-training" t-shirt and will probably purchase another. I live in workout clothes so I can always use more. I'll wear those with so much pride! Those who know me...well, I am sure you can imagine!

Thanks for reading the extra P.S. I added!

What is this?

2009-09-09T14:55:00.002-05:00

I hate "this"...this place that I am at. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

I have been "HERE" a hundred times before and I have to somehow, someway fight myself out of it. This is the "place" where it is the hardest now...where it either falls apart or becomes permanent and only I can beat this beast away. I could just absolutely cuss right now...NOT because I have gained weight because I haven't...but that is a miracle...I am on a tight rope right now! I know deep down inside this is old stuff I am dealing with. The HUGE part of me who believes I am NOT supposed to ever be better and overcome this. I wish that part of me had some physicality to it because I would literally like to beat the shit out her. Instead I punish myself by undoing good I have done knowingly or unknowingly. It really makes me angry. I wish "that Amy" could sit in a chair beside me so I could talk to her and tell her to to get "F***" out of my life now! Who ever convinced me that I wasn't worth it, and didn't deserve more sure did a bang up job. Every time I get "here" I feel defeated because it is this cycle that I have come back around to. I am just begging this time..."let me have the strength to once and for all push through this". I know if I can break the cycle then I am on my way. I need to harness the intense anger I feel right now towards myself and let it catapult me.

Okay, I had a little break...now I have to get back to "reality"

2009-09-06T20:26:00.002-05:00

I have been off lately...really off. I am not going to really beat myself up about it. It's a wonder I haven't gained 10 pounds. I have made a conscience effort to still get on the scale every day just to make sure. I just have eaten plenty I shouldn't and haven't had my heart any soul in my workouts probably for the last 6 weeks. I could spend a lot of time trying to figure out the reason but I'll never come to a solid conclusion. The best thing for me to do is recognise that I have "had my fun" and now it back to get back on track before I get too discouraged. I have really seen the "old Amy" as of late...which means something is bothering me.

I believe I have found a part time job. I have been a bit overwhelmed with all the expenses that keep coming up with the kiddos. The older they get the more they cost! Wow! So I am looking forward to a little part time gig to contribute to their activities. I think it'll be good for me to. I still don't really have any friends here other than an aquaintance here or there at church so I feel pretty lonely. I think getting out amoungst the "living" will be really a great thing.

This week is the kick off party for the marathon. I am looking forward to that. FREE T-SHIRT! Yay!

Kent and I also painted the kitchen which I absolutely love. It's a cranberry color. It looks amazing! We went ahead and bought the paint for the living room and the kitchen/living room ceiling. We have to wait to paint those because our house is still under warranty and the builder needs to fix some seams for us. I think we'll hire someone to do that painting . We will also do some cool painting in the piano room. I can't believe we have lived in a home for so long before we have finally gotten around to painting and such but there have been a couple of reasons for that. One reason is that I couldn't decide exactly what colors I wanted. Another reason is moving past the "military housing" mentality that I have been stuck in. When you are a military family and move so often it kind of is difficult to wrap your head around the idea that you'll be in one spot for a while. Decorating and painting sometimes aren't the easiest things to do in cookie cutter military homes. Now that we have our own home...I just haven't been able to figure out what I want to do with it. I watch way too much HGTV. I need some design help something terrible. ;)

Happy Labor Day! Now that the kitchen is painted..., maybe I'll just enjoy it. Justin says Labor Day is "pool day" so maybe that's what we'll do!

Selfish Lady Sends....

By Jove, I think I "Got IT"

2009-08-28T11:29:00.004-05:00

Ever wonder who "Jove" is? Nah, me either. I never wondered until right now when I typed that. So are you wondering what I got? Do you wonder what "IT" is? hee!hee! Today before I left the house I stretched, made sure that I had my shoes tied "just right", I had my lite breakfast,and drank the appropriate amount of fluids. I was on a mission to attempt to run some. I felt blessed that we had tremendous cloud cover and it was the "sky is going to dump any moment type" but I went anyway. I figured if there was no thunder or lightening...a rain shower would feel wonderful and it was cool outside. I was walking and doing a bit of running between "landmarks" and it was freakin' hard. My shins hurt but not THAT bad and I was trying so hard to tell myself not to stop. For those know me or have read my blog are aware I have giant wheels in my head that just spin like crazy when I am out in the wild blue yonder walking. I was trying to figure out what in the world...scratch that, I was thinking "what in the hell", no actually I was thinking something else but I don't verbalize my "tattoo sailor" talk that goes on in my head. (I try not to anyway) Okay, back to what I was saying. WHAT IS IT? What in the world is IT that is stopping me? I started talking out loud. Yes, cooky me is talking to herself out loud. It dawned on me. I am a shadow of my former self...literally a shadow. So it's not that physically I am incapable of this. YES, I need the right shoes, I have decided that because the ones I got that I thought would be good are not! However...wheels kept spinning and then I started thinking about how I have spent my entire life telling myself that I am NOT an athelete. I am not a jogger, I am not a tennis player, a softball player, a swimmer, a volleyball player, a basketball player, etc, etc, etc. I have told myself forever that I AM NOT ATHLETIC and convinced myself that I am incapable of doing anything that challenges my athletic abilities. This whole thing goes against what I have told ME I could ever do. I am NOT supposed to be able to do this. That is what IT is. Which is utter garbage...again...look at me? NOT YOU LOOK AT ME! ME!LOOK AT ME! If I can do what I have done...then I can do anything. I just have to learn how to do it right.

You know those moments when a storm is coming and you stand outside waiting? Right before the big rain comes the wind picks up. I have been in storms where the wind has been so strong that it literally almost swept me off my feet and pushed me forward. I think I have been waiting for my "storm" to come and waiting for that wind. I am starting to realise that I need to go ahead on my own and believe in myself and run along ahead and the "wind" I will feel that is going to wrap around me and help push me along won't be from a storm. It's going to be from personal pride and satisfaction and knowledge that I finally got it and busted down that wall of "I AM NOT", because frankly I AM.

I am a butterfly....

2009-08-25T14:17:00.003-05:00

I have decided that is what I am. Butterflies have taken on a special significance for me now. I feel like I have been wrapped up in a cocoon for much too long...and now I have these beautiful wings that are just beginning to open up. I love going on my walks and seeing the butterflies as they land around me. They seem to speak to me or at least they speak to my heart.

My children are back in school and I am back on a schedule of walking longer walks and then 3 days in the gym a week. I just can't do cardio in the gym like other people do. I just rather do it outside if I can help it. Since I am training for the marathon the long stretches outdoors are better for me and give me a good idea of what I am looking at time wise, endurance wise, etc. I did 6 miles on Monday, and will probably do 4 tomorrow and concentrate on my speed rather than distance. Who knows...maybe I will take the advice of a friend and try to find a couple landmarks to run to and from...Surely there is a runner in me somewhere.

A gentleman named Roger from the Biggest Loser community board posted a video of his transformation as he changed his life and trained for the Boston Marathon. He did it to reach a life long goal, to gain back his health and to raise money for his niece who has cystic fybrosis. I just wept when I saw it. I hope he won't mind that I am posting the link on here for others to see because he is an inspiration. www.rfme.org

I hate bi-polar disorder...I hate depression...

2009-08-21T10:29:00.002-05:00

I was out walking yesterday in the heat. BIG MISTAKE! I think I came scarily close to heat stroke because I did not hydrate well at all before I left. So word to all those who walk, run or exercise to always hydrate BEFORE you go out especially if you'll be in the heat. I feared I was going to literally drop on the sidewalk so I was planning it out in my head what I was going to do when I woke up in an ambulance because it was getting that bad. I was just begging, praying to make it home and hoping not to start throwing up as I walked because I was headed there quickly but I finally got home at a crawl but I made it.

I have had such a hard month because I am in a slump. It's extremely difficult because I can't control the "slump" to a point and it bothers me. I have spent a couple of evenings in the tub in tears, or a couple of my walks in tears as I just feel so overwhelmed with things. I don't know if I should or should not "animate" depression in my head but I do many times. I see it as a monster or a big hand that pops up when it feels like when things are going good and swings me down and holds my head under water until "IT" wants to let me back up. I don't have a whole lot of say in how long it lasts or how bad it is and I can't stand that. My ability to "handle" situations is disrupted during these times and I am not at my best. I am not a great wife or mother or as good to myself as I should be.

Since I started losing all this weight I have been saved from a big slump like this but this is the first big one. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight. I actually have lost 2 more pounds. I have noticed I am not eager to run to the gym as much but I am trying to walk outside more as I can so my muscle mass is dropping. I have eaten some junk lately that in the past 8 months I would never let pass my lips. Fortunately my metabolism is such, and I exercise so it's not affecting my weight but it could and so I am having to keep myself in check and question why. It's directly related to my feelings. These are the things that I am still trying to work out and will always being trying to work out. That is why exercise and eating a healthy diet all the time is so critical instead of doing some type of short term..."until I lose this weight" thing. I am in this for my life.

When I am in the down mode I am so aware of ALL the mistakes I have made in my life. I am so hard on myself and well, I just want the "GIANT HAND" to let me up out of the water . I am so thankful that I don't have it as bad as other people do because I know it could be worse. I take stuff that helps with the "swings" but in a perfect world, a girl can wish they never came and I was on top of the world "all the time".

I just walk on. I think of the marathon in January and keep my eye on that. The morning I wake up and put that bib on with my name and number will be an amazing day. I imagine the streets lined with people and how exciting that will be. I keep thinking of that, imagining the chill in the air...the sounds and the smells, and everything about it...and it helps me walk further, and faster and push myself harder. There have been so many people in my life that I have seen do incredible things and I have told myself that I could never do that. It's sad to convince yourself that your so incapable and now I envision the crowd lined streets of Houston in January as the the road of my capabilities. I have come so far.

Like a boxer, back to my corner....

2009-08-17T22:12:00.002-05:00

I need someone to ring the bell and send me back to the corner. Please shove my head in a bucket of ice, and rub my shoulders and remind me that I can do this...then cram that mouth piece back in my mouth and send me back in the ring so I can come out swinging....I need this to be a knock out!

I swear...the demons...the darkness....the "mist"....whatever it is...that lurks out there sometimes....I hate it! DO NOT THINK FOR ONE MOMENT THIS IS EVER EASY FOR ME! It is outrageously hard. It is hard each and every day and I go up and down like a roller coaster of emotion. There are days I am so proud, to just fleeting moments. Today I tried on 5 different pair of size 10 shorts/jeans! I don't know if I have ever worn size 10 anything! That is like the ultimate dream size for me! They all fit! Then night fall comes and I feel like I could just come apart because I am not "perfect"...look at all this hanging skin, my hair is falling out, and there are things on me that I just can't fix. I am so freaking lonely...I have NO friends here...NONE! I have lived here over a year and I have no one...and it sucks. I have my children and my best friend who is my husband and I love him madly but he's not a chick and sometimes...a girl needs a "girl friend". I just feel....GRRRRRRRRRRRR, right now and don't like it! I am entitled! Perhaps I just need a good cry....

Kinda having to reel myself in a bit!

2009-08-07T13:27:00.002-05:00

I have felt so scattered the last couple of weeks. I just haven't felt like myself. I got in the car today even though I have a beast of a sore throat and went for a LONG walk to one of my favorite places. I guess I felt like I needed to "center" myself a bit. I didn't take any head phones or anything. I just enjoyed the sites and sounds. I love this particular place with it's tree lined paths. I was visited by red birds, and butterflies, and pine straw that would sail slowly to the ground. The squirrels were unfazed by my steps and the fish in the small streams were too busy eating bugs lighting on the water to notice me. I love the sweet smell of the old cedar planks they use for the bridges along the paths. They remind me of the old log cabins we'd visit as a kid at historical sites. I just took it all in as I walked...from the bark on the trees, to the palm fans close to the ground, to the brief interruptions of nature by the steady hum in the distance of a mower in a neighboring home. When I got down to the lake I sat for about 5 minutes to catch my breath and enjoyed a quiet moment. I realize I need to have more moments like this.

I am in this transition and this is a very hard part for me. I am not a FAT girl anymore and I think I finally get that and I am a different person now. I want to be able to feel "normal" but struggling with that some because my brain hasn't gotten "there" yet. I am having a hard time because my metabolism is completely different so that is fighting me some...and I am having to learn to feed it differently and that is another fight and learning process altogether. I am hungry all the time now...because before I was all fat...so there was plenty for my metabolism to snack on so to speak. NOW, I am pretty lean with the exception of the 15 vanity pounds that I would like to lose but wouldn't think it was the end of the world if I didn't. Truthfully, I am getting pretty satisfied with where I am at right NOW, other than what I want done surgically someday to rid myself of the excess skin and a tummy tuck. Now, I just want to enjoy my routine, enjoy my family and train for my marathon and not have all this be the center of my universe. I think that is where my struggling has been stemming from. It's internal...not external. I recognise that. I am just ready to be at "that point"....not the "I'm done" point but the...."I'm happy" point.
I said in the beginning it wasn't about a magic number....and then I got numbers all stuck up in my head....and now I am trying to talk to myself and remind "ME" that it's about how I feel. I feel really good and I feel like I look really good. So pushing myself to some number that is way less that I have every weighed before, or every dreamed I would...well, I don't know where that is coming from when I am pretty comfortable right here. I enjoy exercising, eat well and if more comes off, then great but I just don't know how much I want to obsess about it. I have lost 110 pounds. I weigh what I always said for years and years was my ideal weight, and I wear what I what I always said was my ideal size. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...........I am just venting....because I need to....I got to work this out so I can snap out of my funk!

It's a process....it never ends.

Selfish Lady Sends...

Sometimes I secretly cheer...for others.

2009-08-02T16:48:00.002-05:00

You probably had no idea I was watching you get on the treadmill. I was 15 ft. behind you pounding away on the elliptical but you caught my eye in your heather gray..."Just My Size" shirt and stretch jeans. I watched you climb on with such enthusiasm and punch away at the buttons and you started out with a jog. There you were a woman who is the size I once was busting out a jog strait out of the shoot and I was so inspired. I have to admit that I couldn't stop watching you as you swung your arms, punching the air and continued to do whatever you could to work out but it was getting hard. You started and stopped so many times but you didn't give up...It would have been easy to press that giant red S.T.O.P. button and make it all end. My heart was leaping out of me literally because I wanted to jump off my equipment and run to your side and tell you that YOU CAN DO THIS! I didn't want to be presumptuous, or impose so instead...I secretly cheered and prayed for you. You had no idea that behind you there was someone rooting you on...I have no idea who you are, what your name is, or even what your story is but I am your cheerleader and whenever I see you, all the energy and positive vibes I can send you, well it is all yours. People tell me I am their hero....well, the lady in the old gray t-shirt struggling through a couple of minutes on the treadmill is mine...because I know she will make it.

Thank you to all my cheerleaders out there! I love all of you and feel your support. It means a lot to me and it keeps me going when it gets hard sometimes. I am not always fueled by my own energy...sometimes I need some of yours.

Selfish Lady Sends.....

I feel like I am floating on a raft in a huge ocean...

2009-07-30T22:18:00.003-05:00

and I am still fighting...I realise I am still fighting. This entire week...and today being the absolute worst day of all...I am consumed with the fact that the battle in me rages on. People talk about needing to have a good cry...or get their "drink on" or just have a day to "fall apart" for whatever reason. I don't know if it was because I was "out of my element" for a couple of days and that frustrated me or I am PMS'ing...I just can't put my finger on it...but I just didn't handle the week well...which is unusual for me. So I am laying here on my "raft of emotions" trying to decide how I am going to handle this. Part of me embraces the fact that it felt good to "lose control" a little because I push myself so much constantly. The other part of me...hates that I lost control. It dawns on me that this is how it goes...it will always be this way and I have to be prepared for these times and I have to decide how to handle these feelings. Artie used to tell me to acknowledge them. So now I see they are very real. I screwed up! Okay...I screwed up! I guess I could shout it from the roof tops that I ate things I shouldn't have and didn't get to exercise two days out of the last 4...Woopie! I felt a little too close to the "old Amy" today...and I don't like her...but she still exists in me so I have to acknowledge that so I can move past her. I thought I was way past her but she is not as far away as I thought.

Some may read this and wonder why the psycho babel but I have to do this...because these are my disconnected thoughts and part of my journey. I am still mushing through this. I have lost almost 110 pounds, have 15 more to go probably and then whatever plastic surgery removes whenever that time comes. These last 15 are just not falling off...having 15 to lose is nothing like having 125 to lose....so it is so much harder....it's really hard. It's hard to find self acceptance...for all the changes I have made...I see myself through different glasses now...so I am working on being satisfied.

Off to float on my raft of emotions...and stare at the stars....for that is how I feel tonight....a bit tossed and overwhelmed...but blessed all at the same time.

My New Haircut!

2009-07-20T08:33:00.003-05:00

I have been working so hard out my body I tend to neglect my hair...so Saturday I went and got a much needed haircut and I absolutely LOVE IT! LOVE IT! I didn't take a picture of the back but it's shorter and layered and sort of funky where I can mess it up and be a "wild chick" if I wanna! LOL

Admittedly, I still catch glimpses of myself and I don't recognise myself. SERIOUSLY! I can't believe it's me! What a difference a haircut makes! (giggle!)

Officially Registered! This is HUGE for me.

2009-07-17T10:21:00.004-05:00

First, there are some silly pictures! I have changed so much! It's hard to believe that's really me! I love my niece. She brought me a ton of clothes that she is too skinny for but they fit me perfectly. Now I have the cutest jeans and tops and some of the "hottest" heels. I have just to learn how to walk in them. (giggle!)

Anyway....

Today was opening day for registering for the Chevron Marathon/Aramco Half Marathon. I have been waiting for today and it's here and like a kid at Christmas...I got to register myself for something that I am so looking forward to in January 2010. I will be walking my first half marathon. No, I am not running it. I am not "there" yet. I have no doubt that I will be...but I am not this year...I joking say...maybe 2011, I will run the half, then 2012...I will run the full and then who knows....after than...maybe the Boston. Ha!Ha! I say that jokingly but half serious as well. I believe now anything is possible and for me the sky is the limit. I can do anything I put my heart in.

When I was filling out the online form...it asked me a name to put on my "bib". At first I was thinking of putting something that is so familiar that I use all the time like "kentsgirl" or "jagjaglee" but then I decided all those things though catchy and sentimental....are not just me and me alone....and this is ONE time...I just want to be me. I love my sweet husband with all my heart...don't get me wrong on that... but this time I just want to be out there and just be me! I am going to be selfish...but I want to cross that finish line as Amy Lee # whatever they assign me! :)

108.2 Today

Just Checking In....

2009-07-10T18:39:00.002-05:00

106.2 today....Woo Hoo! 3.8 more pounds and I'll be at 110....that's just freakin unbelievable!

Please cross your fingers for me! I am applying for a little part time job at the gym. I would love, love, love to get it! I'd be a greeter at the front desk on the weekends! Just 2 minutes before I saw the sign at the desk I was driving there to work out...thinking to myself..."I would love to work at the gym....that would be the perfect place for me to work" and BOOM! There's my SIGN! It's got to be fate!

So cross your fingers, toes, and every thing you can cross for me...I haven't worked in forever...I just need someone to give me a chance!

Struggling with a "Trade Off"

2009-07-06T09:30:00.003-05:00

You know...when I say what I do on here, I am thinking out loud. Indulge me...please. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just putting my thoughts and the feelings of my heart out there for the universe to see I suppose...because it helps me. It really does. I go back when I am struggling and read and re-read what I wrote and it's a bit of a filter for me. It centers me sometimes when I am struggling.

For instance I am struggling right now a little with my body image. This may seem like the most bi-polar post when I go from previous post where I talk about how thrilled I am with the changes I see in my shape and muscle form....however there is the other side of that....and that is the side that I know I can't do anything about no matter what I do. The part that can only be fixed surgically. It is weird...weird...weird. I was sitting on the bed yesterday watching TV. Lazy Sunday afternoon thing. I looked up and caught a glimpse of myself and was like...Wow! Who is that girl? The face in the mirror...I almost didn't recognise her. I don't look like me....and this good! That's my face though. Take my clothes off...and now that I have lost so much....well....I imagine 50% of the rest of what I have to lose now is loose skin. I pinch at it and pull at it...and wish it wasn't there....and know that it's gonna be there until I have it taken off. I have some that tell me there is no need...Look how great I look...I have come so far...but they don't understand how it feels. I told my husband when I lean over my boobs look like "stalagmites" in a great underground cavern..hahahahahahaha. See I can laugh about some of it...hahahaha. You have to admit that is funny. Anyway....it's just a trade off ....bulging chub for this wrinkled, loose, sagging skin...and I hate it. I really do. I just look forward to the day when I can get this taken care of and be closer to my goal. I want to be at my goal weight for a while before I have any type of surgery because I will be out of commission for a bit and won't be able to exercise for several weeks.

So my ups and downs continue in this journey. It's never been easy and it never will be. I knew that going in to it. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread but the point is...I am hanging on and I never let go. Thank goodness I finally know how important I am and sabotaging myself and letting other things control me....well that ain't happening! I am still the captain of this ship! I decide! I choose! I set my course! 104.6 Today....yeah, after my 4th of July folly, a visit from "mother nature" and weighing AFTER breakfast. Not too shabby!

Selfish Lady Sends........

4th of July! I enjoyed myself!

2009-07-05T13:06:00.002-05:00

Which means I ate things I normally wouldn't. I ate a rib. I ate some sausage. I ate a little pasta salad made with white pasta. I even ate one cupcake. (covers mouth!) I have to say that the cupcake almost made me hurl! I am not kidding...it was sickeningly sweet and I realized that I just don't miss that stuff AT all. People ask me if I miss sweets and I tell them I don't. It was kind of funny when I had the cupcake to recognize that it just didn't "do it for me" like it used to. I also had corn on the cob...with my diet butter of course...that was a treat! I haven't eaten corn on the cob in over 8 months. Anyway...after enjoying myself I have to shoo away the mind games that want to creep in. I found myself literally pinching my sides not an hour after I ate wondering if I was magically gaining. I got up this morning grimacing afraid to look in the mirror for fear I might look different. THAT is still the battle that rages in my head. I have to be able to enjoy some things here and there and not worry about it. I got to move on. I honestly didn't eat all that much last night but it wasn't the norm so that is why I am a little obsessive about it....and I have to choose not to be. I will wrestle this monster my entire life....it's my reality.

Eating more to weigh less

2009-07-03T09:15:00.003-05:00

What a concept, huh? I am learning to listen more and more to my body. Those cues it's been giving me...the "I'm hungry"....well, I have finally been listening. It dawned on me that as my body has changed, so has my metabolism. I haven't had my body fat composition checked lately but I highly doubt it's much compared to what it was when I started this journey. So my makeup now is probably now more lean muscle and it needs something different to fuel it. I have allowed myself a few more carbs...good ones...like some popcorn for a snack last night, or some whole wheat crackers, or two sides of a high fiber bagel instead of one. That seems to be helping tremendously with the scale going down now....103.4 this morning, and it is helping with my energy. I grabbed on of the trainers yesterday at the gym and told her that I want to re-evaluate soon so that I can start building my workouts more about more power lifting and body shaping. I am definitely getting to that point. I am not wanting to be one of those scary ripply lady people....I just want to define my muscles. Come in to my brain for a moment....(scary isn't it...giggle) When I am lifting weights at the gym, of course I am in front of walls of mirrors. I am so amazed now when I watch myself lift or pull and I can actually see the muscles in my arms and the different directions they go. It's a beautiful thing. It really is. To go from chubby, curdley, flabby, yucky, to this strong and defined arm and I can actually see the muscle at work just as if it were popping out of a medical text book. It WOWS me. The same when I work on my legs and I put my hands down on my thighs when I am pushing out and I can literally feel the different directions of the muscles as they travel this way and that, and they are hard and working for me. What a difference...I am so glad I didn't give up on this because I can now see the results and even beauty in it.

Okay, you can get out of my brain now! I told you it was a scary place!

Selfish Lady Sends.....

Random Thoughts

2009-07-01T15:57:00.004-05:00

*The scale was stuck...it moved finally....101.4 I was starting to get frustrated....sigh....(wipes brow)

*I can say here since this is my "own private Idaho".....I am sorry Michael Jackson died...as I would be when anyone loses their life but I am so tired of it being the only thing they seem to talk about in the news. I liked his music "back then" but he had his "hey day" and never could seem to get his crap together and lived a weird life and now he is idolized in his death. Look at me...I am even giving him a few lines on my blog....ICK!

*I revealed some big things to important people in my life this week! I was brave! I am proud of that!

*Here's a reminder to myself and to all...."LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO REGRETS!" I have seriously decided that I am there....finally....ready to live. I am going to teach my children to leap out and dance into their life and live it to the fullest. I do not want them to ever look back and say... I am full of regret. I have a lot of regrets. I regret that I let myself be so guided and molded by guilt. There is so much good in the world....there really is...so much to be experienced....to see...to do. I have been blessed with amazing, honest...happy kids. I hope that we have instilled in them enough goodness that they can navigate and make good choices when faced with them. I trust them....I believe in them....I honor them by saying....LIVE YOUR LIFE AND MAKE IT GOOD....SO YOU HAVE NO REGRETS!

*I don't know what that long walk did to me...but ever since I have been two things...hungry and tired. What is up with that?

*Lastly...I hate putting a child on a plane to send him/her away to see another figure who has some genetic link that makes it a legal requirement that this said travel take place. I watched that plane's wheels lift off the ground yesterday and my heart lifted out of my chest with it. It's very hard to ever find acceptance of such a situation and share but somehow there is no choice and you do what have to do.

Off to make a healthy meal for the family.

Selfish Lady Sends...

One Long Walk

2009-06-27T12:55:00.002-05:00

That is what I took this morning. I walked 8.2 miles this morning and it was just WOW....hard but awesome all at the same time. I knew I could do it...I never doubted for one second that I'd be able to make it...but toward the end I was running out of steam. I said a prayer before I left...just asking for strength and protection and the courage to "DO IT"...and I did. I am grateful for that. It was so nice to see the sun rise over the lake, watch the turtles bank and then there were the not so lovely close encounters with spider webs. I walked right in to a few of those. Yuck! It was a learning experience. I am trying to build up my endurance and will also have to work on my speed as I push on toward my January goal of the half marathon.

As I was walking I was thinking...I had plenty of time for that. I was remembering how trapped I once felt. I have spent a big part of my life being trapped by my body and then just being trapped in general by the "you shouldn'ts". It has really sucked and I am so over that. I feel free now and I am living my life and will not be trapped anymore. I will do what I want and enjoy my life and my future and choose for myself what I should and shouldn't do. I will not allow anyone to guilt me. I am a grown woman who is perfectly capable of making the right decisions for myself. I am like a butterfly....I have finally busted free of that cocoon. My only regret is that I waited so long but then again...I would not be the very person I am at this moment had I not waited...so it all works out. Life is good.

"So why do you call yourself the Selfish Lady?"

2009-06-26T11:30:00.002-05:00

I have been asked that a number of times. I am pretty sure I have explained that somewhere in the 100 plus posts of this blog but I know things get lost sometimes. When I began this journey I realized that the ONLY way I was going to be able to overcome the obstacles that stood in my way was to make myself my total focus. I was going to have to get completely selfish and put me first. The other reason I call myself the "Selfish Lady" on this blog is just because this blog is mostly about me....my story...my ups, downs..my journey. I would never want anyone to start reading it without knowing up front that this lady was going to go on and on about herself! It's my page...I get the liberty to do what I want....because on here....I am SELFISH! (giggle!) In real life...I believe I am far from that.

So there is the explanation....it'll get lost again....and I'll explain it all over again in time....until then...

Selfish Lady sends....

One Hundred...Up...Up...And AWAY..........

2009-06-22T20:37:00.003-05:00

Yay! I meant to post last week but we left for a fun trip to Port Aransas for a family crab boil.

I did it....I am there....Deep breath..... and now I move forward and finish my race. Just a few more to go and then I continue to enjoy my life, my health my freedom from a cloak of fat, poor health, and low self image. I feel free!

Thank goodness I finally look in the mirror and see myself for what I really look like. In the past...I still saw the fat girl...no matter what I lost. Now I finally see...ME! That girl I see makes me smile ALOT! It's okay to smile back at her. :)

Reach inside yourself, dig down and LOVE YOURSELVES! Love yourself enough to CHANGE.

Selfish lady sends....

Less than a pound to go...

2009-06-16T12:35:00.005-05:00

So less than a pound away and I will make my goal of 100 pounds lost forever. I should be there by Thursday for sure! I can't imagine why I wouldn't be. I will definitely update. You will all probably hear me shout from my rooftop in Texas. After this goal I have decided that I will ask myself for 31 more and then I work on maintenance. The funny thing is...nothing is really going to be any different. That will put me at a body weight of 155. I think that is a healthy weight for someone of my height and body frame size. I should be about a size 10 and perhaps 8's in somethings...especially after a nip and a tuck...here and there. It's hard because I have in some ways a much leaner, healthier body but when with such a huge loss, I have in other ways...what appears to be an older one...and the only possible way to correct that is through surgery. There is absolutely no exercise and healthy diet that will remedy what excessive stretching of the skin has done. It's a sad, cold and hard truth of being so overweight. I am not being negative.....just aware of a reality. It frustrates me at times...but I get over it quickly and stand amazed at what I have accomplished. I'll take the sagging skin over the poor health and fat that I had anyday. :)